StripedPajamas

Hanging with the Po Po

2012-01-15T17:44:00.001-05:00

Got mahself arrested for disorderly conduct. I tried to swipe his sidearm, as practice for my deadly ninja moves.

He was not amused.

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Whose crib?

2012-01-12T20:58:00.000-05:00

Nap time in the household is best spent together with someone.
Like Lando Catrissian.

That is all...

Splish Splash

2012-01-12T20:22:00.002-05:00

Does this giant tub make me look fat?

Tonight is a spa night. A girl needs a nice hot bath from time to time.

After a bath, I like to get a rubdown. (Not the kind you have to pay extra for.)

And then, I pause and reflect on how divine my life is. For I am a sweet, fat, little baby.

That is all...

Keep it down, fellas

2011-12-26T11:06:00.001-05:00

All this Christmas hubbub...can't a girl get some sleep?

This is what Christmas is really like

2011-12-26T10:42:00.001-05:00

As each gift is opened, we instantly evaluate it's worth and value. We then
catalog them in order of importance, and gravitate to the ones we like most.
In order:
1. Pokemon DS game
2. Megazord/Star Wars ship
3. Legos

And then... we GAME!

Catching up for the public

2011-12-19T10:20:00.020-05:00

For those who missed out on the email blasting this weekend, here's a summary page of what went out...

Check out Harper's first video!

That is all...

Our New Sister

2011-12-18T21:01:00.005-05:00

Well turns out that mom doesn't have a giant tumor in her midsection. She truly had a tiny human inside. (As you may deduce, I was skeptical.)

Harper came into the world this weekend, NOT ON SCHEDULE. I reminded my parents of this frequently. i will continue to do so until they get the point that I, your Waakabee, have things to do. Birthing secondary siblings is not a valid excuse for forgetting to take me to Yogli Mogli. I want my damned tasty treat. Now.

That is all...

Nursery Ready for #3

2011-11-24T14:52:00.006-05:00

Mom and Dad have prepared the sleeping chambers for #3 Dyson. She better like Purple. And girly stuff. They worked "hard" on the room and are "proud" of the results. I don't know if I'd go that far. Coop says he likes it. What an ass-kisser.

Anyway, I look forward to a new minion, since Cooper didn't quite turn out to be who I wanted. He has too much spunk and chutzpah. I asked for someone malleable, docile, and loyal. Instead I got someone stubborn, free-willed, and with a giant head. Once again, my parents have let me down.

Let's hope for their sakes #3 turns out as requested.

That is all...

Punkin time

2011-10-30T20:12:00.002-04:00

My portly pater familias has carved a delightful Georgia Tech pumpkin, in honor of our crushing defeat of Clemson.

A game, which we are told, was incredible to behold.

A game which, we have heard, was an instant classic.

A game to which neither of us was taken.

My parents chose to go it alone, and "have fun" with their college buddies. WE on the other hand were left with outsourced child rearing, getting all of the same discipline and structure and none of the love. In my parents' defense, they "deserved" a night out and had been looking forward to seeing their friends and reconnecting. Yeah. As if.

I'm sure that their "reconnection" really just amounted to everyone sitting around and lamenting the fact that they are old, tired, and in my father's case, paunchy.

Thanks Mom and Dad. Tomorrow I will be sure to eat so much candy that I go into a sugar shock, spasm, soil myself, and collapse. Just to watch you clean it all up. How's that for a connection?

That is all...

First Day of School. Again.

2011-08-15T23:52:00.000-04:00

My fat father keeps up this charade that going to school on the first day is somehow important and notable. I did this last year. My world didn't change. I received no cash sign-on bonus with golden parachute kicker. No endorsement deals landed from Staples, Gymboree, or Pottery Barn Kids (despite conspicuously sporting all their gear). I didn't even get a free handgun upon check in. I thought this was America?

And to think - my porky pater familias makes this much hubub about a PUBLIC school?! He might as well throw me in a back alley in Tijuana with naught but a pencil, a peanut butter sandwich, and a sign on my back that says, "Gringo for rape-o." I mean, I fully expect to wind up water boarded, turned into a drug mule, branded with a Confederate flag, and/or given scabies. All on the first day.

Then again...

I can think of no better forge in which to shape and temper the finest weapon known to the history of mankind, as I am sure to be. In order to bring about your Hobbesian future, I shall sacrifice myself. Out of the fires of this plebeian pipsqueak prison shall rise your future ruler and deity, the Waakabee. Bring it on, Cobb County.

That is all...

My name is Cooper and I'm a Mac

2011-06-04T14:33:00.000-04:00

Some kids have blankies, some have teddy bears. I have my iPad.
.

That is all...

There can be only one.

2011-05-20T20:34:00.000-04:00

Competition is the driver of life, and winnows the wheat from the chaff.

Daily, I put every piece of my body through challenges and trials in order to kill of weak cells, and promote strong ones. Over the course of my lifetime, all weakness will be purged. Ultimately, my body will be comprised of ONE invulnerable, immortal cell. And you monkeys can rest assured that that single-celled organism will rise to rule the world as your overlord, your Waakabee.

Though my mono-cellular future is a long way off, I am firmly on the path. Last week, I shed several eyelashes. Two months ago, a portion of my spleen. The latest victim of my self-exercise in natural selection is my front tooth.

Good-bye, tooth. Thou wast weak, and I am better off without thee.

That is all...

The accolades continue

2011-05-18T13:10:00.000-04:00

This should come as no surprise to those of you who know my history, but I was recently honored again at an award ceremony was held at my local school/prison.

The program is called "Rocket Readers" and true to the name, I am part of an elite group of engineer/astrophysicists who qualified by mastering thousands of pages of technical journals and plans.

At least that's how I did it. I hear that other children were allowed to qualify by reading children's literature and drivel like "Big Dog Little Dog," and "Captain Underpants."

I don't know what shenanigans and bullshit the Rocket program administration is up to, but a program aimed at future engineers/astronauts/mad scientists should clearly have standards.

I will sort it out with them. A coup de'tat is not out of the question.

Here's a pic of me and my holmes Seth and our medals. We're stoked.

That is all...

Wet Day in the MK

2011-03-10T09:32:00.000-05:00

But we're hard core, thanks to these nifty ponchos. BTW mommy's hair bands can also be used as poncho cinchers for those who are height challenged.

Two Pleased Pirates

2011-03-05T18:55:00.001-05:00

Cotton candy, ARGH!

Take a big swig of the Koolaid. Trust me.

2011-01-08T23:27:00.000-05:00

All future dictators must learn techniques for quelling rebellion and dissent. I chose to put a little something in everyone's juice.

Freddie showed a surprising resilience, so I had to choose a more direct route.

"Don't fight it Freddie. The others struggled, and look where it got them.
Shhhhh.. Go to sleep..."

That is all...

The Son Becomes the Father

2011-01-03T23:14:00.001-05:00

Today Dad showed me something AWESOME. It's called Zelda. I played it for at least an hour today, and I of course picked it up like a champ.

That's right, a five year-old trounced his father's beloved game.

At one point I saw tears in his eyes. He said it was from the joy of "seeing the circle completed," whatever that means.

I think it was because I beat his score so easily. Bring it on, old timer. I've conquered your childhood nostalgia with my god-like gaming powers.

That is all...

Putting DJ Lance and Coop to shame

2010-10-23T16:56:00.002-04:00

I look great in these paper glasses! All hail DJ Waakabee!

Yo Gabba Gabba!

2010-10-23T16:53:00.002-04:00

I'm at Yo Gabba Gabba Live with mommy, daddy, Walker! And I'm super excited to have my new Muno shirt and my DJ Lance glasses!

Guess who doesn't love me?

2010-09-18T20:47:00.000-04:00

My parents sent me this tease of a picture, while they're at Universal without me. I could understand not taking Cooper (he sucks), but neglecting me?

Such impudence will be punished.

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Fire skill +1

2010-07-10T09:51:00.004-04:00

Learning the intricacies of pyrotechnics, to further my pursuit of world domination.

Dad wouldn't let me actually play with the fire or the large explosives, but in his magnanimity allowed me this piddling sparkler. I'm making dad, of those who displease me. You are STILL at the top of that list. Retribution will be had.

On a happier note, "big, bad" Cooper and and his running mouth was silenced, as it turns out he's afraid of the big booms. Finally, I've found a chink in his armor.

Happy Independence Day, monkeys. Live it up while you can, the age of the Waakabee is nigh.

That is all...

Swim, Eat, Call Bitches.

2010-07-08T19:33:00.000-04:00

On a hot July afternoon, there's nothing like a cool dip in the pool. Then snack on a tasty banana to recover energy and potassium. Then dial up some of my favorite peeps and chat about the day.

"Yeah I know boo, I wasn't dissing you at nap time, it's just that Shoshanna wanted a piece of this action. There's enough of the Coop to go around, baby, don't worry. You're still my sweet angel. The Coop will show you his love tomorrow - meet me at the activities table. Now let's sing twinkle twinkle little star together and call it a night - I'm wore out."

That is all...

HBD to Nannie

2010-07-03T09:11:00.002-04:00

In our magnanimousity we have recorded a video for posterity, telling our dear Nannie how much we care that she is aging. We hope this video provides some consolation to the fact that she's is that much closer to assisted living.

We love you!

That is all...

Joke Master

2010-06-27T08:50:00.001-04:00

Waakabee's joke of the day:

Knock knock
Who's There?
Interupting Horse.
Interupting Horse wh..
MOOOO!

That is all...

This Cowboy is Movin' On

2010-05-28T11:34:00.000-04:00

Some of you have heard that Waakabee and I are moving. We are ditching our current home and headed for greener pastures.

We'll still be OTP, but a little further out nearer to horse farms and cowpokes.

I don't mean to get all...Waaka on this and go prancing about in costume, but I am practicing my cowboy look.
I like it. What do you think?

That is all...

G'day Mate

2010-05-26T00:17:00.001-04:00

Got my didgeridoo and I'm going on a walkabout to see a crocodile.

And then after I've killed that croc, I'll chop off his tail and slap the hell out Waakabee with it.

Why, you ask? Why accost a young boy with a severed crocodile's tail?

Cause sometimes even Wayne Brady has to slap a bitch.

That is all...

Magna Cum Validus

2010-05-21T11:53:00.007-04:00

Today I was thrown a parade and ceremony to herald my emergence into boyhood and my eminence in the field of pre-K academia.

For kicks, I let the administrators dress the other children in matching red cap and gown. I felt that having a coterie of disciples who emulate me would be a great way to reinforce the message that I FRAKKING ROCK AND YOU KNOW IT.

My right hand man, my meta-human colleague and trusted consigliari Fred and I look smashing in our outfits, wouldn't you say?

Also in attendance were my lieutenants, Aadi, Aneesh, and Avery. Or as I like to call them, my A-Team. If I had to pick roles, I think it's pretty obvious that Aneesh is Face, Avery is Murdock, Aadi is the van, and Freddie is BA Baracus. That rounds me out to be Hannibal. As if you couldn't tell.

Alright gang, it's time to roll. First we hit the punch, then the cookies, then back to the punch, then we terrorize the two year-old EPS1 class (I'm coming for you, Coop!). Potty break, more cookies, playground, and then maybe we go apeshit on some kids music until our parents come pick us up.

Next stop, Kindergarten biotch!

That is all...

"I cook pancakes, Da-dee"

2010-05-04T00:21:00.004-04:00

So... if you leave your cooking ingredients out on the island, go in the other room to investigate the sound of a crash, discover it's your four year-old playing nicely yet destructively, then return and find your two year-old elbow deep in the Bisquick, don't be surprised.

Because clearly, you wanted my help cooking, even though you did not explicitly ask me.

And dammit you should be GRATEFUL.

That is all...

Operation Egg Hunt Complete

2010-04-04T12:19:00.005-04:00

This morning we practiced our SAR techniques during Operation Egg Hunt. We canvased the test range with small grenade shaped containers called "Easter Eggs." Using a progressive start schedule, we allowed the lesser teams Team Coopadoop and Team Maddie-Madness to go first followed by the advanced recon units of Team Albanian Storm and Team WaakaDOOM.

I excelled, but my right hand Frederic of Team Albanian Storm outdid even me.

Cooper, leader of Team Coopadoop, naturally lagged behind. Given that he's slow in developing and in mind, I'm not surprised.

Here is a shot of me finding an egg. I am clearly excited. I was pretending it was a WMD, and that in gaining possession of the weapon my despotic regime now had the means to inflict terror upon my neighbors.

In reality, it was filled with chocolate, which is almost as good.

That is all...

Not feeling so hot

2010-03-26T13:00:00.000-04:00

Well, technically I have a fever of 102, but you get what I mean.

Dad is a so-so nurse. I need my mommy.

That is all...

All the necessities...

2010-03-26T00:29:00.000-04:00

Soccer ball? Check.
Submarine shirt? Check.
Sycamore pod? Check.
Shorts of plaid? Check.
Shin guards? Check.
Soccer cleats? Check.

All my S's accounted for.

What the f* are you staring at?

That is all...

Got a little Captain in You?

2010-03-26T00:12:00.000-04:00

Cause I sure as hell have some in me.

That is all...

Security at the Olympics

2010-03-04T01:43:00.004-05:00

Dad says that "Wolf", one of our specialized clone troopers, was providing security at the Olympics. Apparently they have giant sized mittens on display there. Here is "Wolf" clowning around in front of the display.

Back to work, soldier!

That is all...

Stay Frosty

2010-03-04T01:36:00.005-05:00

Dad said that he caught Coco doing a recon mission in the mountains around Seattle during his recent visit. He took some snapshots for me.

Thanks Dad! You don't always suck!

All clear, sir

2010-03-03T01:06:00.003-05:00

Dear Monkeys,

Dad ran into clone trooper "Coco" while on his trip to Seattle. Dad said that Coco was protecting the forests from droids and other Separatist scum.

I can't wait to see who else he sees on his trip. Perhaps other clone trooper adventures await?

That is all...

Annie's Red Balloon

2010-03-02T01:17:00.003-05:00

Coop here!

Every day on the way to school we listen to my favorite CD, The Little Einsteins Musical Missions.

One of the adventures involves a search for Annie's birthday balloon. She accidentally let it go, and it floated away to Seattle. The Einsteins must climb aboard Rocket to go on a balloon rescue! Don't let it touch the Seattle Space Needle, or it may pop!

Daddy recently visited, and brought back this picture.

That is all...

I love shopping with daddy

2010-02-21T16:24:00.002-05:00

Because he let's me do things mommy wouldn't.

I love shopping with mommy

2010-02-21T15:47:00.002-05:00

Because she let's me try on silly hats.

Even Young Despots Love their Mommy

2010-02-05T07:49:00.001-05:00

Today I....

Took a relaxing break with Mommy and watched my favorite show, "Star Wars the Clone Wars." I use the show to try to discern the mysteries of the Force. If I had that, then conquering the world would go sooooo much easier.

Plus it gives me some time to recharge my batteries. Being a badass young despot-in-training is exhausting, ya know.

That is all...

Damn Straight.

2010-01-19T00:10:00.001-05:00

That is all...

Come for the savings, stay for the fun.

2010-01-18T13:50:00.003-05:00

Daddy loves Costco for the samples and jumbo sized cheesy poofs. Walker and I love it for the ample running room and "try it before you buy it" atmosphere.

First step towards EGOT

2009-12-18T09:22:00.002-05:00

Today I, Waakabee, will be playing Santa in the school play. My role includes a monologue and a solo. Some of you may express surprise that a skinny four year old could play an obese, altruistic geriatric. Poppycock, I say.

The B has excellent range. The B is an excellent actor. The B is an excellent singer. Put simply, the B is excellence.

As long as the other monkeys in my troupe don't try to outshine me in anyway or occlude my spotlight, things will go off without a hitch. Should anyone get cheeky, though...I can turn a jingle bell into a shiv before you can say, "Joy Noel".

If you are in town today, feel free to stop by and watch the performance. I dare say some of you will shed a tear in gratitude.

That is all...

Found the Elmo ornament

2009-12-05T11:24:00.002-05:00

Coop here: I'm enjoying donuts and cider at Ryan's bday party. Taking notes for my own suare, coming up soon.

And to be honest, while the B is out on the tumblebus, I've been studiously reading every book I can find inside Ryan's house.

And I just noticed that Owen and Ryan have an Elmo ornament. Several in fact.

Dad, take note. Elmo ornaments make christmas better.

Mess with the bull...

2009-12-05T00:31:00.000-05:00

And you're gonna get the horns.

That is all...

Not quite first class...

2009-11-29T10:14:00.000-05:00

Coop reporting...

Flying coach isn't always the hell that Waakabee portrays it as. But philadelphia's airport is very close to the shittiest daddy's ever seen.Got dad's ipod. Watching mickey mouse clubhouse from my window perch on daddy's lap.Charlie, we're coming home.

That is all...

Put. Me. Down.

2009-11-28T12:34:00.000-05:00

Uncle Colin? The Coop does not want!

That is all...

What DO you want to watch?

2009-11-24T15:50:00.003-05:00

Cooper and daddy run through a list of shows to watch. Coop is so hard to please!

That is all...

I heart Taylor Swift

2009-11-15T20:05:00.003-05:00

This is my new favorite song. I sing it to Cooper every chance I get. La la la. Ha ha ha.

Wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

2009-11-15T18:03:00.002-05:00

Mom here -

"Hold you", "Diego Cup", "Einsteins", "Seaside"...... the whining goes on and on. What do you do with a two year old that does not know what he wants? And will not stop whining/talking? You present snack after snack and play show after shown until he is satisfied. What finally worked? Fruit gooeys and Looney Toons.

Is it bad that I'm glad tomorrow is Monday so I can escape to work......??? Maybe.

Cooper sick

2009-11-13T14:51:00.002-05:00

Cooper reporting. I'm off to see the doctor because of a mysterious barking cough I have.
Waaka thinks I sound like a seal, but I think that is because he secretly has a thing for Anarctic animals (have you seen his penguin picture?)

Open Letter to John Lennon

2009-09-30T12:42:00.010-04:00

Waakbee says...

Today I wrote a letter to John Lennon.

My dad has introduced me to the Beatles. I love their music! I especially love the songs where John plays the pharnomica (sic). Coop and I sing these songs as we listen to them on the way to school every morning.

So my dad actually did something cool for once and bought each of us a pharnomica (sic). I opened it with glee and began playing immediately. Many of you won't be suprised that I am already a master at the ol' mouth harp. The Waakabee's skills are boundless, and his talent limitless.

Playing the pharnomica (sic) while dad and mom played Beatles Rockband got me thinking. Would John Lennon be my friend? A despot rarely has peers, but John's talent at music writing and performing surely places him in that short list.

So I set about drafting a letter to John, proposing an alliance, a bond, a friendship of sorts. Because my handwriting is still under development, I had my otherwise pathetic dad serve as my own Joan Holloway and transcribe my letter. His mild retardation comes through pretty clearly in his own penmanship. Oh, I cannot wait until I can afford to get a real secretary (I believe in classic titles - none of this "administrative assistant" women's lib crap). But I digress.

So I wrote my letter (or rather my monkey father did) and included what I feel is a pretty awesome sketch of a machine that John may want to look into having constructed. Sharing skematics of such a potentially profitable and useful gismo is quite the grand gesture, if I do say so. John surely has plenty of cash from his awesome music catalog and owning the copyright to round sunglasses, but what Mighty man couldn't stand having more wealth?

Since John doesn't have a current address (and dad was reluctant to explain why - maybe John will tell me), we put the letter, skematics, and some awesome Star Wars stickers in the mail to John care of his weirdo wife Yoko Ono.

Dad says Yoko led the Beatles' to their demise and ultimate dissolution. I believe her actions, surely fueled by nationalist pride, show a bold and creative counterstroke to what was previously believed to be the end of the War. Nagasaki be damned, this woman helped Japan get the last word in by scuttling the rise of Western Culture, thereby shifting the course of history leading us to such abominations as Disco, Culture Club, and Oasis. Bravo, devil woman. Bravo.

Anyway, I hope that John gets my missive and will be agree to be my amigo. Dad says not to hold my breath, but I'm not sure why. Damn that monkey man can be frustrating what with his smug look of monkeyness and all.

For posterity, I've shared the letter with you here. Enjoy, peasants.

That is all...

Gamecocks go limp

2009-09-06T12:55:00.000-04:00

Today we...

Hung out and watched the Jackets whoop some Gamecock ass.

We tailgated with Grandma and Big Pop just off campus, snacking on tasty meats and salty snacks. Mom and dad both mentioned the lack of beer, but sometimes they forget they are not college kids anymore.

We then walked down to Bobby Dodd Stadium and enjoyed a 500 yard crushing of our lower division opponent. Buzz and I became fast friends.

We ate many tasty treats, including hot dogs, pop corn, sno cones (notably not made of actual snow), goldfish, and cotton candy. It was so friggin' hot, dad said it felt like he was in Hanoi and seeking comfort in some momma-san's Mekong Delta. Mom took great offense to that, but I heard Hanoi was hot, so I don't know what she's getting upset over.

Once I was all hopped up on the sugar, I forced dad to carry me on his shoulders as we climbed to the tippy top of the stadium. From this lofty perch, I dreamed I was practicing my sniper tactics.

From here, the world belongs to me. From my position I can see Mom and Coop. I am told that Tech is one of the rare Divison 1 stadiums where you can find empty seats for nearly any game. When I am in charge of the world, and my colleges play football (with modified rules), stadiums will be filled so full the stands will be in danger of collapsing.

That is all...

A vision of my future

2009-09-05T10:31:00.000-04:00

Waakabee says: These guys mean business. As do I. I cannot wait to have my own massive military force backing me up as I whoop ass and take names across the galaxy.

Yoda was a tiny Jedi Master. Who's to say I cannot be?

We went the Dragon Con parade this morning. It was awesome, though the Mad Max guys were a teensy bit too loud. I liked the pirates, the super heroes, the awesome cars, the soldiers, and Disney characters. Dad got really excited about the Battlestar Galactica guys, the GI Joe guys, and all the scantily clad women.

Mom really liked the guys from 300.

All in all, it was a fun time.

P.S.
I sense a disturbance in the Force.

And a sad, sorry middle aged man in a costume.

This amuses me.

That is all...

Heeeeyyy Y'aalll

2009-09-04T22:30:00.002-04:00

Coop says: Just perfecting my... PARTY FACE!

That is all...

I Crashed My Spaceship

2009-09-03T20:24:00.000-04:00

Waakabee says:

Crashed my spaceship. Now what the shit am I going to do?

Oh bother.

That is all...

A Lesson in Hygiene

2009-08-26T19:50:00.000-04:00

Coop says: Today I learned that the white plastic baskets with colorful round cakes found in the urinals of the South Cobb Community Center are NOT toys filled with candy. I also learned a new expression that I don't think I've ever heard daddy say before: "oh sweet fucking christ." Waaka assures me he hasn't heard that before, either.

I did get the opportunity to wash my hands like a big boy - five times. What fun! Maybe I'm finally moving beyond wet wipes, and into the world of soap and water!

Princess Waaka was going on about the smell of the place, otherwise I think daddy would have let me wash my hands more.

We're off to play outside where daddy says I can get into less trouble.

The B Likes to Sing

2009-08-23T22:42:00.000-04:00

Coop and I have been practicing our Little Einsteins routine for this fall's "Little Dictator" talent show and jamboree. I'm looking forward to the funnel cakes, the keynote topic of "Waterboarding vs Slip N' Slide For Interrogation", and the ring toss.

That is all...

The B says...

2009-08-23T20:07:00.000-04:00

My kingdom, laid out before us in rustic granite relief. If only Cooper would be my willing second in command, helping me rule with justice, fear, and power. Instead he is a bitter disappointment.

Here's a prime example: I asked him what is greatest in life. He said, "yar-gins". This is Cooper pidgin for "The Backyardigans". No doubt his answer was influenced by the mind-numbing two hour car ride filled with endless repeats of the Backyardigans' hits played on the stereo. I believe I saw dad's ears bleeding at one point, but who pays attention to morons?

Anyway, clearly the correct answer to my question is, "To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentations of the women." I also would have accepted, "desert eagle .50," or "shapely curves on a cougar" But alas, Coop is oblivious.

Cooper, thou hast shamed me.

That is all...

NOM!

2009-08-13T17:30:00.002-04:00

Dad says we can have some special treats if we behave tonight!

I will let Coop earn his, and when dad is not looking I will whoop Coop's ass and take his cookie like a ninja. Ninjas love cookies.

Car Rides Also

2009-08-02T16:54:00.002-04:00

Are a great time to study war documentaries, the better to learn how to crush one's enemy with.

Car rides

2009-08-02T16:52:00.002-04:00

Are great reading time.

Charlie Rides Shotgun

2009-07-24T16:10:00.001-04:00

I love when mom brings Charlie to help pick me up. He makes a great sidekick. All the other kids are mad jealous because I have the fluffiest dog!
True story - the other day we left him in the car at Publix. He jumped out and followed us inside!

A Relaxing Bath

2009-07-21T19:45:00.001-04:00

Nothing soothes like a long soak. I like to do it completely submerged.

Even better, I like to bathe while reclining on my own personal chaise: Waakakbee.

That is all...

Italy can suck it

2009-07-15T08:53:00.005-04:00

One of the best parts about the 4th of July is the resurrection of old timey songs. These songs are quaint and remind us that colonial Americans had little to do other than sit around and make catchy jingles.

A lot of these songs need to be updated, however. Take "Yankee Doodle" for instance. The comment about "macaroni" is outmoded. What have the Italians done for us? Except maybe roll over every single time we've fought against or with them in the last 100 years.

I say we celebrate instead the greatness that is America, and pay homage to that most tasty tuber, the potato.

That is all..

Fire works go boom...

2009-07-05T21:58:00.003-04:00

Yes, fireworks go boom and Walker has used his first curse word correctly - mark your calenders folks, 7/4/09. As someone who learned every curse word from her own parents, we try to be very careful around the boys. But, last night, as we were leaving the Marietta fireworks with a line of cars both in front and behind us, Walker comes up with, "Look at all the damn cars." Well, hmm, okay. How does one respond? There were a lot of damn cars in front of us and behind us. So, we did what any good parent does and lied. We told Walker he can't use that word until he's 25 or the police will arrest him.

Seemed to work.

Can I have some privacy please?

2009-07-05T19:59:00.002-04:00

Mom here - tonight walker announced he needed to poopie and asked me for help. But once I got him up on the potty, he looked at me and said, "Can I have some privacy, please?" Well, needless to say - shocked but at least he was polite about it. I'm still needed though - not three minutes later, "I'm doooooooooooooonee." I wish he would learn to wipe his own bum.

- mom out

Red, White and Hot

2009-07-05T18:15:00.005-04:00

Who wears a glittered hat, is covered in ice cream and hums Yankee Doodle? We do!

On Thursday, Cooper and I participated in Primrose of Providence Pavillion's 3rd annual 4th of July parade. We wore fancy hats, had ice cream and went home early. All in all, not a bad day.

Once Cooper saw Mommy, he chose not to pleasure the masses with his parading skills. Rather, he modeled his hat for the young ladies in my class.

Cooper has Moved

2009-07-04T13:41:00.000-04:00

Because the Wakkabee and I share many of our experiences together, we, in a show of solidarity, have decided to share blog space. Don't fret, monkeys! You will still get more than one side of the story. I can't let that princess make me out to be the bad guy...

Happy 4th!

Water Babies

2009-07-04T11:36:00.002-04:00

Mom here - To celebrate our Nation's independence, our friends invited us to their pool for a little splishy splashy.

I give you a few tidbits I learned from this experience:

1. Walker is infatuated with scuba divers. We are not sure where this infatuation came from, but it's there and it's strong. Walker insisted on wearing a board suit that was purchased for him two years ago for our vacation to Lake Placid. All I can say is, you should have seen it before I cut out the floaty inserts to make a little more room for him in the crotch area.

How's that suit treatin' ya, Scuba Steve?

2. Cooper is fearless. He invented a new game last night which consisted of him walking to the side of the pool and just stepping in, assuming (or maybe not) someone would be there to catch him. He got a nice cut on his eyebrow which will probably scar a la Luke Perry (think the 90210 years and not the full frontal shot from Oz).

Christmas Memories

2009-06-26T15:10:00.002-04:00

I remember Christmas 2008 fondly. Gabe and I had quite the blast.

That is all...

Classic Waakoop photo

2009-06-15T23:15:00.000-04:00

I found this classic photo taken just one year ago. It was during one of my lectures to Cooper about who knows what. Probably about the tiring but necessary fiduciary responsibility of despotic regimes.

And on the importance of being appropriately dressed.

Put some clothes on, hippie.

White Puppy, avert thine eyes.

That is all...

I'm a Rocket Man

2009-06-15T16:24:00.002-04:00

Guidance? Check.
Telemetry? Check.
Weapons? Check.
Desire to fly out to space and rain terror on my enemies? Double check.

That is all...

Red Team Wins

2009-05-09T12:14:00.000-04:00

Today I...

went to the Aquarium. I saw many amazing things. I liked the whale sharks best. I especially like how the little fish follow the largest around. I will be a great leader like that some day.

Later, Coop and I played chicken, but were not allowed to do so in the water. So we battled out of the pool. I of course won. My dad, inept as he is, is still taller and placed a solid kick to mommy's knees.

In this picture, I am saluting Cooper, wishing him a good match. I of course don't really mean this, but the forms must be observed.

My prize was pizza. Which I used my Matrix fast skillz to eat.

The day was not all sunshine and roses, however. Here I have been told that I cannot, under any circumstances, have my own ginormous aquarium. I had great plans for its use. Sharks, lasers, pirana, and man o' war would serve as strong incentive to my enemies and subjects alike.

That is all...

I {heart} Chuck

2009-05-02T18:48:00.000-04:00

Some of you nerds may think I'm talking about that mediocre NBC sitcom "Chuck," in which a nerdy dude (you empathize) gets to kick ass and tap a tasty piece (you dream).

Nay, I refer to The Chuck, the killa, the unstoppable Chuck Norris. My shirt is an homage to his power. It reads, "Chuck Norris is the reason Waldo is hiding."

I do appreciate Chuck for his skillz - though mine outmatch him. I truly admire him for the RESPECT he commands, though. Seems that around here people (COOPER) are forgetting who runs the show and who is supreme ruler of the Sunroom, Living Room, and basically the whole house. I think if I could grow a killer 'stache, maybe Coop would recall that I, like Chuck, will make his mind explode with my stare should he displease me again. Say by eating my fraking cookie. "Oh he's so cute and cuddly and don't get mad at him for eating your last nilla wafer, he doesn't know any better." Bullshit. That kid is going to get a roundhouse to the noggin, and how.

Chuck - you and I know what it means to be disrespected. But you have mastered how to regulate. Teach Me.

That is all...

My Young Padawan

2009-04-08T20:29:00.000-04:00

Coop and I sometimes go on walks, where we discuss many topics and get to know each other better. Today's topic,
"The Advantages of Dictatorship Over Meritocracy from an Economic, Sociopolitic, and Security Perspective"*

Sometimes we just talk about American Idol. Adam Lambert is clearly the most polished, but Kris Allen is sooooo adorable!

* this is a trademarked name - I sell my lectures on Audible.com.

That is all...

Because I Said So!

2009-02-28T19:37:00.000-05:00

The Waakabee does NOT want to take a bath, so you can go frak yourself.

That is all...

You're In MY World

2008-12-21T11:28:00.000-05:00

Today I...

...reestablished my dominence over the Coop. It may be his birthday and party, but it's MY WORLD and I can take his cake if I want to. He should have offered it up as an offering like the rest of my good monkeys do, but I'll take it by force if necessary.

I {heart} cake. Especially yours, Coop.

That is all...

Even Tyrants Get Sleepy

2008-12-20T23:23:00.000-05:00

Today I...

...cuddled with mommy.

Until I'm old enough to have my own bed made of the finest linens and softest mattresses... mommy works best.

That is all...

Shenanigans

2008-11-28T23:33:00.001-05:00

Today I...

...am doing the paperwork that comes along with being a supreme ruler. You know, death warrants, citations, orders approving water-boarding, troop movement, and various poems & haikus about how much I love ice cream and despise peasants. Aunt Jenn is helping me with the work load. Truth be told, her penmanship is sub-par, but when you're at my level, you have to put up with some level of incompetency from everyone.

Later Taneille spontaeously offered to by personal valet and footstool. Just kidding, I gave her a severe lashing to teach her some manners and persuade her to see things my way. Red heads. Sheesh.

Then I showed her what eating a ginormous Cheeto would be like.

And that naturally led us into a discussion about Mardi Gras. I explained what I had seen the ladies doing on "Girls Gone Wild: Sheaux Me Your Teets" (nice DVD collection dad!)

...and it turns out that Aunt Jenn has a tramp stamp (naughty!)...

So I got to thinking... I should let Taneille write on my belly. Why? I think that whole Mel Gibson facial war paint in order to intimidate foes is so very 1991. I'm more into Tupac (R.I.P.) and his belly tatt that said something (and I'm paraphrasing) like, "I dig chicks. And AK's. And F*&^ the Police. Oh, shit someone's shooting at me," and then he died.

Not that I want to die, but I want to convey that same badass image.

Wait, why do I need ink to do that? I've got that covered in my look of steel.

That is all...

Double Word Score

2008-11-27T20:06:00.000-05:00

Today I...

...won at Scrabble.

The word is "Frak", as in "Frak you I win, bitches."

That is all...

Chicken Food

2008-11-02T13:06:00.000-05:00

What do I and a 4 lb Guatemalan fighting cock named "El Diabillo" have in common?

Many things.

1. We are killers.
2. We enjoy sleeping on a bed of feathers*.
3. We eat gravel to aid in digestion. Good for the gut & gizzard.
4. We go CRAZY at the sound of a good Alux Nahual song.

*Mine happen to be stuffed into a mattress/pillow/cover. His happen to be the feathers of his enemies, plucked for both their softness and as "coup" or trophies of war.

That is all...

Hello Future Key Chain

2008-10-24T15:29:00.000-04:00

Even future dictators/world emperors like soft and fuzzy bunnies. I mean, I also kind of can't wait until he lines the collar of my emperor cloak, but until that day, he's fun and cute and cuddly and soft and warm and lovely and I want to keep him forever.

That is all...

Ground Control to Major Tom

2008-10-21T20:33:00.000-04:00

The Waakabee aspires to be an astronaut. Correction. He aspires to be an Astro-Viper. Having the ability to rain terror down on my foes from the nigh-unreachable edge of space is something every growing boy dreams of. Note the similarities:

My dad was so excited at the prospect of being an astronaut that I had to let him try on the helmet. It was kind of a pity thing, like letting the snotty kid at school have your last kleenex because well you know he needs it and the social interaction of just handing him this one tissue will make his day if not his week and besides he's just so fraking pathetic that you want to yell, "take this kleenex and wipe your damn nose, kid!"

Look at this simpleton. The insipid slack-mouthed cow-eyed smile. You can practically hear "JINX PUT MAX IN SPACE" going through his brain. What a toolio.

That is all...

Goodbye Gunkels

2008-10-10T15:35:00.001-04:00

Fare thee well to my favorite back yard neighbors, the Gunkels.

They are moving to Kansas City, that shanty town on the river that wishes it was St. Louis. Not that I give two shits about St. Louis, either, but I figure if I need to setup a Midwest capital (for my empire will be divided into provinces with regional capitals), why not do it where they invented watered down American beer? Plus their baseball team has at least gone to the World Series recently. Suck on that Royals.

I will sorely miss Miss Jessica's cookies and I know my parents will miss inviting themselves over for coffee. How Mr. Josh never slapped my dad around and taught him some respect is beyond me. If I had the reach I would.

And Jadon - don't forget that you are still my pick for governor of Latin Americaville. The Mighty Mayan and El Waakabee can show those people how to be great.

That is all...

Grill Master

2008-08-30T10:21:00.001-04:00

You may think that I'm cleaning the grill to help prepare for dad's cooking of tasty meats. Maybe I am. Or maybe I'm readying the grill to roast the internal organs of my enemies, before eating them with some Chianti and blanched asparagus.

You decide.

That is all...

Combat Training - Liberty Town

2008-08-17T14:27:00.001-04:00

Today I did some combat effectiveness and PT drills with my number two, Freddie.

We took to the local park where they have some highly useful apparatus and did drills to increase our endurance, our agility, our combat skillz, and strength.

First, a run through the jungle gym, or as I like to call it, "Blue Playground of Death."

Next, a fight atop "Survivor's Rock." Two men ascend, only one man summits. Here you can see Freddie taking a stab at playing King of the Mountain, but I have the high ground. Don't try it Skywalker. I'll slice off your limbs faster than you can say "George Lucas credit default-swapped my childhood".

When finished, we rush down to our parents' picnic area and engage in hand-to-hand combat training. Or maybe I'm just getting a high five for stomping Freddie's ass. You decide.

Lastly, we take a break to hang out on the fence and watch the nearby train go over the tracks. It's awesome. Oh, and our deadly fighting skillz and overall prowess have attracted one of the lovely ladies in the area. This I let Freddie take care of. I have too much global domination and terror planning to do to be distracted by the fairer sex.

That is all...

Birthday Party!

2008-07-26T12:25:00.001-04:00

Well, if you can believe it, I have survived three years under my parents' inept care. And I have thrived. Proving that what doesn't kill you, you will have an opportunity to kill later in life.

We'll be partying up at the Little Gym later today, if you care to join us. My crew and I will be rocking out, bounce-housin', watching our dads hit on the tasty trim that works there, and generally going apeshit while high on juice boxes, birthday cake, and Goldfish.

Oh, and cover charge is 1 awesome present. None of that Go Diego Go crap, either. Protecting the rain forest is for *%$$^!$.

That is all...

Don't Pisgah Me Off!

2008-07-17T12:43:00.007-04:00

Today I...

went to Pisgah National Forest.

Checked out Asheville and the surrounds as a possible future base of operations. Every good Evil Genius needs a mountain redoubt, an alpine fortress, a rocky home away from evil home.

First stop, the Pisgah National Forest. Some dope bought this, and then his kids squandered their inheritences so trivially that they were forced to "gift" it to the good people of the US.

Dumbasses. If you're rich, how hard is it to stay rich? Not that hard! Just hire some peasants, teach them to manage the land, and stay rich on their hard work, blood, and tears. It's a classic model that has worked for THOUSANDS of YEARS, and these d.a.'s managed to frak it up in one generation. Seriously.

Anywho...I think I'll put my castle riiiight over there.

Among other things, I had my mother push me around as I inspected the scenery, the waterfalls, and the local fauna.

I also used my time along the Blue Ridge to work on my Jedi hovering powers.

Also, I'm not sure, but I think should I claim this area as my own, there may be a strong guerrilla resistance in the area in the form of hillbillies. I look forward to the challenge, mountain men.

That is all...

Me and Grams

2008-05-25T12:44:00.001-04:00

Just chillin' with my grandma. She's full of folk wisdom and tips on how to get people to do what you want. Plus she cooks some of the best food when she visits. And she provides copious amounts of TLC. That's right Grandma, I may not be the oldest grandchild, but I am the best. You know it. You sooooo know it.

That is all...

Four Generations. Of AWESOMENESS.

2008-05-18T12:34:00.000-04:00

Here we have four generations of my dad's maternal side. It proves that my dad is an aberration both physically and mentally. Not in a good way.

In the pic is me (duh), my dad (derrr), Nannie, and Grandma BJ. Oh and Mom and Coop to boot.

And someone stinks. That's all I'm saying. Wait, it may be me. Yep. It's me. Change me, monkey.

That is all...

Frackin' Amateur Night at the Hunt

2008-03-23T11:09:00.000-04:00

Watching these n00bs go out and try to hunt for Easter eggs causes me great mental distress. They're all like "Mommy mommy I see one behind that tree!" and, "Daddy, look at the pretty eggs on the ground!" I mean REALLY?! You're just going to sit there and yell out the location of your spotted treasure, your goal, and expect your competition not to swoop in and get it? You think that the Khmer Rouge, the VC, or Russkies would honor some gentleman's agreement and let you have the egg because you saw it first and were dumb enough to broadcast to the world that THERE IT IS AND IT'S SO PRETTY AND WHAT DO I DO, OH PICK IT UP? YOU MEAN WITH MY HANDS? DADDY CAN YOU HELP ME?! Just for that, Ry-dog and I are going to sweep in, grab your precious eggs, crack them open, and eat the delicious candy contents right in front of your face. Then when we get sooper buzzed on the sugar and are vibrating like U235 hit with a couple spare neutrons, we're gonna puke on your Go Diego Go t-shirt and laugh all the way home.

You'd think these monkeys had never been to an Easter Egg Hunt before - alright granted they likely haven't. But the concepts are the same as supporting Special Forces 100 klicks behind enemy lines in a hotly contested region- search, locate, extract, all while maintaining comm blackout. Or if you see the enemy is closer, then destroy them before they can be captured and spill your secrets. Common knowledge.

Cheese and Rice, people! Get your sh$t sorted out! This isn't some day at the park. It's frackin' Easter! It's do or die. Ryan back there knows what I'm talking about.

Hoppy Easter, suckers.

That is all...

Oldie but goodie

2008-03-08T01:03:00.000-05:00

Ever wonder what would make a cat's eyes light up like lasers?

How about a full-on shot of my awesome package?

That's right kitty. It's electric. Woogie woogie woo-gee.

That is all...

Rock on.

2008-01-27T18:31:00.002-05:00

I sure do love listening to the Sun Tzu podcast on my Bose Quiet Comfort 2 headphones. Or am I listening to the Backyardigans? Don't be too hasty to judge. The show is an excellent lesson on group dynamics. And how to use a fantasy role-playing to control your plebs.

Note to Bose - please endorse me.

That is all...

I am his Mr. Miagi

2008-01-16T16:24:00.002-05:00

First learn stand, then learn fly. Nature rule, Cooper-san, not mine.

That is all...

It's No Lantean Control Chair...

2008-01-06T16:27:00.000-05:00

Today I...

Began trying to reprogram Cooper's chair to suit my malicious needs. I used to rock out in this thing all day and dream up plans of world domination, ponder the ethics of being a deity, etc. etc.

Now that Coop's here, the Chair has been reassembled. Since the Drooler is busy elsewhere, I take the opportunity to try and hacking this baby.

What I'm envisioning is a way to activate various electronic jamming devices, super weapons, death rays, and possibly a trapdoor or something with this guy. Sync be damned, this beotch will have Bluetooth.

A HUD is not out of the question, though I may stick with a traditional LCD panel and touchscreen interface.

Right now the software is in R&D, but it will likely come from some SE Asian province, where my likeness is undoubtedly already on their money, statues, public parks, and public buildings. The internet is a beautiful thing. To monkeys everywhere. The Waakabee sends his greetings.

That is all...

COOLEST day, to date.

2008-01-05T16:37:00.003-05:00

When I think of all the cool days ahead of me, many things come to mind. The day I get my driver's license. The day I get my right to carry permit. The day I conquer the world. The day I get my first manly chest hair. The day I get to see a live action Silverhawks movie, starring Matthew McConaughey as Bluegrass.

However, none of these compares to today. Today I went to see Lightning McQueen in person. Live, in the autobody flesh, one of my heroes.

Here in this picture I bow my head in reverence to him. He is great. He is fast. He is LIGHTNING. Frackin' A.

This event was not mine alone to experience - I met up with my consigliere, Frederick. Or, as he sometimes likes to be called when we play Miami Vice, "Rico".

I've long since learned that you cannot conquer the world alone. Although I have no plans to share power, I do need loyal and able henchmen to assist me. Freddie is my number two, my William Riker, my Robin, my Starbuck. He and I have successfully planned and executed no fewer than a dozen high risk jobs in the last year.

Together, we are unstoppable. Even when we get our signals crossed, as evidenced by this photo.

We ran all over the place, checking out the sweet rides at the event, and the hot chicks...

...plotting the take down of the world, practicing our Matrix fight moves (note we move faster than even a camera computer chip can register!)...

...and the seemingly most mundane but ultimately useful skill, running from the cops.

Ah Fred, the future we'll have. Stick with me, and we'll go far. Oh, and don't plan on going Brutus on me. I read Julius Caesar. (bet you didn't know it comes in a board book format!)

That is all...

Thank Goodness He's Not Toydarian

2007-12-27T16:36:00.001-05:00

Today I...

Have been working on brainwashing Cooper.

Here I'm telling him that mom and dad don't love him as much as they do me, but that's ok. I'm here to help. He needs only me. He wants to make me happy, and be my peon. I mean 2nd in command! Almost let that one slip.

I also remind him that my room, the bathroom, mom & dad's room, all the TVs, all toys and books, and the entire downstairs is all mine. He can have his room, for now, and of course the backyard. I will also be offering him security/safe transport between his room and the outside world for an affordable $5 per trip, payable at a later date. I mean there are monsters out there, and we wouldn't want anything to happen to him, would we?

I established an account for him in the Caymans, into which I will pay his wages (earned at my discretion for acts and services to be determined by me at a later date), and out of which I will withdraw his afforementioned "security fee", his "little brother fee", "having the Waakabee talk to me fee", and "in the presence of his majesty, 'The B' fee".

Currently, his bank account has a balance of -$362.54. He's only 15 days old, so he better get crackin' on the growing and developing so that he can start earning cash by being my adjutant.

Of course I tell him all this in the only way a newborn can truly understand it. With the eyes. It's all right there. I learned that from Caesar Millan.

That is all...

Super-sizer working...

2007-12-20T16:32:00.001-05:00

Global domination by crushing everything under my super-sized feet to follow.

That is all...

My army is growing...

2007-12-17T19:06:00.002-05:00

That's right...growing. Meet my baby brother.. Cooper. Together, as leader guy and underling (me being the leader guy - hello!), we shall rule the world....or at least Georgia. It's peachy, you know.

From the vault

2007-11-04T10:38:00.000-05:00

From the vault comes a little video gem for you. Waakabee in his young gloriousness. I'm hanging with my parents during the Christmas season, and allowing them to revel in my company.

You can clearly hear the delight and joy in their voices. It's almost palpable.

Take this video and savor it, monkeys. This is likely as close as you will ever come to being in my presence. More's the pity.

Here's a behind-the-scenes tidbit for you Waakabee buffs out there. See if you can discern what my father is up to in the background. Here's a hint. It involves blasters, droids, and a refusal to accept that he's a grown man.

That is all...