Ahhh, Summer

Today I...

 

Learned that it's fun to smash your face on glass window panes. While visiting Nannie and Poppa in NH, I left little reminders of me on their front door, in the form of face oil and saliva. They should never clean that window again, to preserve my gifts. Of course, that would make them gross and untidy people. Maybe call out the local CSI team and have this stuff lifted off the glass, then frame it and put it over the mantel, for all to see and gaze in wonder. "That's where the great Waakabee blew zerberts on our front door!"

Love me, monkeys.

 

Then I went around back, to see where the heck everyone was... and I was startled to see everyone just sitting in a large group, posing. I walked up to mom to ask what the hell was going on, and she forced me into her lap just as I heard some camera clicking. I guess I failed to see the photographer when I walked around the corner. Guess I had a little too much juicy juice, if you know what I mean.

 

So now you can see all the wretched filth I'm related to, thanks to my dad's funky genes. Whole lot of winners in there, pops.

That is all...

Ralphie Gone!

My fearless Spanish gatoquistador has gone missing. He regulary escapes this madhouse to explore the yard and terrorize the neighborhood moles, snakes, and micefolk. Who doesn't like to take a break to subjegate the weak?

Anywho, he took one of his near-daily constitutionals and was last seen within sight of the front door, surveying his domain. Mom yelled to him, "hey get inside!" and he was all like, "Peese off. I do as I please." She then reminded Dad (who was spending yet more hours playing Marvel Ultimate Alliance) to let Ralphie in when he came up to bed. Needless to say, Dad never did remember to get the cat, and that was the last we ever saw of Ralphie.

We've put up fliers, and poked around all the nearby bushes, cat clubs, and drag bars, but he has not been seen. Mom says we'll give up hope in a few weeks and then can get a pair of kittens to replace him, since he was such an awesome cat, and awesomeness which cannot be duplicated in a single cat must instead be met by a large quantity of mediocre cats.

Thanks Dad. Hope you enjoyed ruining my childhood memories. I'm totally scarred.

Blogging is hard work

Today I...

Have been busy reviewing and editing the blog. It's not easy being one's own editor. But it's not like I can trust the other monkeys around here to do it for me! "Self reliance", according to Emerson, is one's most important trait. I agree. Right after "ability to kill one's enemies with ninja-like efficiency". That's a pretty important trait, too.

Been watching Ali G...

Today I'se...

Practicing me dance moves in the car park. Reckognise, I'se cool like dat.

Clearly me pops is mad dazzled by me skillz and flavah. He's like nevah seen moves like dis since the days of electro pop. Roger dat, you soddin' lump. I'm chill like dat.

Sometimes I like to pretend like I'm Ali G, who's from London, and a hip-hopper. You have to admit, I do have some sweet flow. And the chicks dig me. I've got a nice whip, and I definitely have mad street cred. So, really, it's not that much of a stretch. Holla!

Then sometimes I see a fly bird, and I have to stop her and be like, " 'sup boo? Why don't you come back to my place and we can get our snack on? My moms is serving 'nilla wafers. Of course, you're the only snack I need, cause you look D-E-E-L-I-S-H-U-S !"

(fyi, I'm just learning my ABC's, so cut me some slack).

Then when I'm done playing Ali G, I like to actually go eat those nilla wafers and get my juice on. Cause pimpin' ain't easy.

Bounce bounce, y'all

Sometimes you smother yourself in fishnet and feel a little sassy. That's when you say in your best Big Gay Al voice...

Heyyyyyyy Girls!!

Really, I was just chillin' on my Grandpa Mike's trampoline. You know how it is. Run around, bounce your ass off, get black crap all over your fancy pants. Smart choice in attire for a toddler, dad!

Turns out, this thing is a blast. The only downside? G-Mike made me repair it.

Trick's on him. I stole one of the springs. Happy landings, suckers!

Later, Uncle Cole and I took a break from playing to relax and free up some Chakra, a little Chi, and also some Yoga energy center stuff. I believe this kind of meditation is called "Energy Manipulation". You may know it by it's more common name,"Crap".

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Waakabee conquers Republic of Texas. Again.

We all know how Texans can be. Rebellious. Loud. Stinky. Loud. Prideful. Unwashed. It makes one wonder how these Texans got along without me. Perplexing.

So despite having successfully toured the state last year and received assurances of their fealty to me, I felt compelled to return and cement their allegience. I started with the Metroplex (That's Dallas Fort Worth, monkeys), and relaid the foundations for a successful Cult of the B following.

Their love of all things Waakabee is so strong that I have to sometimes hide to protect myself.

Just kidding. I'm playing Peekaboo, y'all!

You may show your pleasure.

I caught up with Grandpa Mike, Grandma Caren, Uncle Cole, and Aunt Rachel. I met Cheyenne, the family hamster (they swear it's a Schnauzer), and enjoyed the warm weather.

On the flight down, I suffered from a quick bout of Restless Waaka Syndrome. The cure? Dad's iron-like arms encircled around me, preventing me from escaping. He paid for this insolence on the ride home, when I had an even stronger bout of RWS. This time, I made myself "That baby". You know "that baby" that wouldn't shut up on the flight, and "that baby" that screamed himself hoarse and "that baby" that should have been checked with the carseat (I mean there's air in the cargo section, right?). My father paid the price for preventing the B from doing what the B does best, which is WHATEVER HE WANTS. I believe the thirty minute lesson I delivered to my dad on the return flight will make him think twice about keeping me from my freedom again.

Anywho, hangin' with G-Mike was fun. He looks a lot like me, which is cool. I recommend everyone consider altering their appearance to mimic my own cherubic features (G-Mike is blessed to naturally have these good looks). I asked him what's been happening since last year. He said, "Working for the man, trying to make a living." Then I reminded him that he is The Man. "Oh yeah," he says. Hello!

Uncle Cole and Aunt Rachel were fun, too. They took special interest in me, since I'm officially the shortest person they know, not counting the family squirrell Cheyenne. Grandma Caren moved too fast and I chastised her for it. She should know Waakabee likes to take it slow with the ladies. I'm no holla back boy.

Of course Uncle Cole and Aunt Rachel couldn't keep their hands off me, same as all of the B's fervent worshippers. However, there is such a thing as "too much touchy feely". Back off, monkeys. The Waakabee needs his space.

This trip was a great success. Had a blast, rocked the state, and ate my 4x body weight in beef.

THANK YOU TEXAS!


That is all...

Today we...

...watched Tech lose to West Virginia. I was glad that Reggie got his fool self sidelined because of bad grades. That let Patrick Nix use the best QB we have, T. Bennett. He played very well.

Oh snap, we just scored!!

My uncle Colin will be attending WVU in the fall. Or, as dad likes to call it, "Hillbilly U." Uncle Colin says he has chosen this school because most of the chicks have only been with their brothers or fathers, and that doesn't count, so it's kinda like they're all virgins. Right on. Way to make a positive out of your decision.

Today I...

...practiced my three-point stance. I'll be ready for those Dawgs, when the time comes. And that, technically, is like eighteen years away. But, I'll be ready.

I also practiced my game face. This is me looking mean. Or, basically, how I look at my subjects every day. Rule by intimidation.

Then I practiced my skillz on a moving target, to simulate my d-end attack. I chose my toy Hummer truck. It's tough looking, but ultimately all flash and bravado, much like those UGA backs. Hence, it was the perfect choice.

I got down in my stance...

And then I jumped offsides and ate some pavement. Stoopid slopey driveway.

Dad said to "rub some dirt on it kid, and get back in the game."

What an ass. I just faceplanted on concrete.

So I say, "Dad, I'm this close to kicking you in the jimmy, you lump. Stop taking parenting lessons from Brittany Spears. I'm going inside to have some teddy grahams. "

That is all...

Almost enough for a Coke pencil!

Sometimes, I like to dance. Sometimes I like to play Coke Rewards. Sometimes I like to be naked.


Sometimes, I like to do them all at once.

I just scored ten points! Happy dance... Doin' the happy dance. Being happy. Being free.


That is all...

Cake and Balloons are soooo last August.

We recently celebrated Gaberdoody's first birthday. Got yourself a cake and a little party? Well I did it first, so I win.


Here Gia is showing off her fancy boa and handbag. If I was Gabe, I'd lay the smack down. I'd say, "It's my party, sis. Reckognize." Then I'd drop an atomic elbow on her and steal the boa for myself. Dudes can wear boas, especially if they're electric purple. I believe I saw Prince do this. So it must be ok.


Here Gabey has done something truly worth celebrating. He made a huge fracking mess. He basically took a nice little personal cake and performed some "Tiger Style" Gabe-jitsu on it, causing it to explode. All the while Aunt Dana and Grandma look on in shock and reverence. He truly has amazed them with his "cake crusher" finishing moves.

Bravo, Gabo.


That is all...

Check out my whip

You know I ride in style. And at times, I like to ride shirtless, like a young Dylan McKay. I feel the soft sea breezes in my hair, and long to talk to Brenda...

How's Paris? Yeah, Brandon and I are keeping busy... Speaking of getting busy, did you know I banged your hot albino friend Kelly? It was totally worth it.


That is all...

These are not the Droids you are looking for

Halloween has come upon us rapidly, and I have chosen this time to use my powers in the Force. I will bend weak minds to my will and make them give me candy. For FREE. You must always play to your strenghths and hide your weaknesses. I will guard my weakness for candy by displaying my strength in bending people to my will.

You: "Oh, he's so cute! He's a little yoda!"
Me: "That's right, monkey. You adore my cuteness. Now gimme some candy."

Cha-ching, people.



In this photo, I am being led by one of my servants around the parking lot of my school. All around the circumference of the lot are my loyal subjects, clapping and cheering for me. Other children in costume march behind me, clearly mimicking my actions, but I know all the people are here for the B. The Waakabee has arrived, monkeys. You may show your pleasure.



Here I am focusing my power on my hat, trying to make it adjust itself. My hands are full of candy (unpictured), so I must use the Force alone. Do, or do not. My ear is cold.


Later in the day, we went to another part of town to join in a costume parade. We met up with the rest of my crew. My cousins, Aunts, and Uncles met us there and we proceeded to take the 'hood by storm.



Here a local resident falls prey to my cuteness and charm.

I feel that costumes are not chosen randomly. Each speaks to the wearer. I dressed like Yoda to show that I, like the little green Master, am small yet powerful. My skills may be overlooked because of my diminuitive stature, but make no mistake I have great strength. The only thing I lack is that cool pimp cane that Yoda had.



Hank the Tank dresses as a Teddy Graham, because he is tasty and delicious. He also makes Uncle Brad cart him around. A bold show of strength, Hank. Make your dad do the work. I like your gumption. Sophie (background) dresses as a Barbie princess because she has a commanding presence and likes to be doted upon. She also likes plastic dudes with big hard pec muscles and no genitalia. Much like mommy. Aunt 'manda serves as her lady-in-waiting.



Gaberdoody dresses as a parrot/dragon, because he is a colorful character, yet like me has inner strength. He also likes to sit on a giant pile of treasure and eat crackers.




That is all...

OZ - The Baby Years

Life in clan Waakabee is all about ebb and flow. It's about position and pecking order. When one of my lieutenants disgraces the clan, they disgrace me. And sometimes lessons must be taught.

Perfect example: We were out at Cagle farms, checking out the Corn Maize (sic). The 'rents are distracted as they try to line us up for roll call. As such, from left to right are my minions: Gaberdoody, Hank the Tank, Gia, and Slophie all lined up for a photo. I used this opportunity to command HTT to get some playhouse retribution on Gia! As you can see, he's made a shiv out of cornstalk, and is in mid stab. Great action shot. Really catches the family dynamic.

Consider this a lesson, Gia. I mean business.

But then my next most-trusted bruiser, Gaberdoo, decides to use the confusion to strike back at me, showing his solidarity with Gia! As you can see, I blocked his feeble jab with my "paint the fence" move. You got off easy, sucka. Next time, I'm gonna sweep the leg.




That is all...

Keeping an eye out for Jeepers Creepers bat-demon dude

Here we are, cruising in the Corn Maize (sic). It was fun. And more than a little corny.

It's called a pun. Laugh, monkeys!

Next time, I'm bringing some torches and we'll chase people around the field, pretending we're Children of the Corn. I'll be Malachi. You can be the weirdo leader kid. He was lame, anyway.

My Father's College Days, Reprised

We recently went to Amy's [future]* house to have a dinner party and watch Battlestar Galactica. It was fracktastic.

The cuisine was excellent - a fine Mexican meal the likes of which my father craves. The beverages were even better.

I began the night merely sipping on tasty cold beverages. But as you can see, I degenerated faster than Lindsay Lohan at a cocktail bar.

Kneel to me monkeys! Stop laughing and KNEEL!

I got a sugar rush from the soda I was given, and soon, I found myself running around, acting the fool. My pants were soaked. My shirt was drenched. I was crazy happy one minute, then sad the next.

Look at me, I'm crazy cup head! Now gimme some candy!

This is a picture of Amy judging me.

I was later told that my actions were precisely those of my father on any given weekend between 1995 and 2000.

Woops! Damn floor is tricky.

Here is a picture of Kate, also judging me.

BSG is awesome. That's a given. And mexican buffet kicks ass. But above and beyond that, the B rocks the party.

Wooo wooooo!!!

*Amy will soon marry Brian, and then she can officially take over his house as her own.

That is all...