Waaka Aquatilis

Today I was taken to a delightful and whimsical place, the local water park. It is a location of endless revelry flooded with both water and human scum.

I must admit at first I was skeptical. All these urchin running around the park, screaming and screeching and acting like idiots! My first thought was, It's water people. Same as your shower, only open to the air and full of other peoples' pee. Let's not get too excited.


Fun Fact: I noticed that many trashy people bring their children here, apparently to bathe. This is some kids' only summer bath. Chew on that next time you are allowing your mouth to fill with water from the Silly Milly Mushroom Fountain!



I allowed my mother to chauffeur me around the big lazy river. Notice the human press all around. It is revolting. Mixing with these peasants?! I should have my own barge, rowed by coolies and servants. I should be eating all the cheerios I want while being fanned and cooled by servants with palm fronds. Where are my trained pet seals, to frolic at my whim? I am the Waaka. I deserve to be praised, not trapped in some musty community life jacket stuck on the front of my mother's tube like a hood ornament.

All my discomfort aside, you know what would make the lazy river more exciting? Lazy river piranha. Lazily eating your flesh, while you lazily bleed to death floating on your inner tube. That's entertainment.



Here I am being placed on top of the output grate for the local water feature. This place offers a lot of strategic value. The Mongols used to poison the water supply of enemy towns to make them submit without a battle... If I was to place a poopy right here, my maliciousness could reach untold hundreds. Focus....focus.....Frack! It cannot be forced. I shall have to return after sampling the hot dog concession.



Here's a cute picture of me learning to stand! Now, is the look on my face joy/excitement at the idea of standing, plus the cold water on my junk, plus the unmitigated fun of the place, or revulsion at the feeling of my dad's cleavage on the back of my head. You decide.



Here I am sitting in the mini-lazy river, allowing the fresh water to run over my tiny chubby body. It is both soothing and cooling at the same time.

Eventually, I let the frivolity and joy wash over me like the cryptosporidium-laced chemically colored water. I (heart) the water park! Just be sure to hose me off when we're done.

That is all...