Waakafest '06! That's right monkeys, it's time to celebrate all things Waaka and revel in my greatness. I know you do this every day, but today is extra special. We're celebrating the best 12 months known to Western civilization since the 12 months it took for people to invent, test, and fully market the churro.
In short, I am one year old, and this is my party.
I had many of my most valuable servants on hand and lots of hangers-on and sycophants, all there to amuse me.
Missing were the Mariachi Band, a donkey, a monk with a staff, a wizard, an orangutan, and a trained, killer chinchilla with laser eyes. Maybe next year, dad, you won't disappoint.
Despite these shortcomings, the party was off the chain. So much so that at one point I was got naked. Who doesn't love a naked B?
We ate cake, we told stories of my feats, we mused on the future of the world, and more specifically the future of Rhode Island. Here's a fun fact: Once I come to power, Rhodey will become one huge super Wal-mart/Ikea. It's on my list of "Things To Do Once I Conquer the World". I mean everyone loves Ikea, and Super Wal-Marts... plus those yankees up there looove a good bargain.
When the cake was served, I was pretty pumped. Until I tasted it. I asked for a Betty Crocker cake. I clearly received a Pilsbury cake. You know that chubby white biscuit in a hat ain't got nothin' on my boo Betty! Next time it's gotta be the Crock or I'm liable to go postal. Don't think about pullin' this Pilsbury crap again. Same goes for Duncan Hines. That British bugger is a d-bag.Again, despite the disappointment, I decided to cruise around the joint to meet some honeys and talk to my boys.
And I came across this one trick who was all like, "Nice party, Waaka. Shame you have no lemonade, though." Does Waakabee have to smack a b*&^% ? It's Waaka's world. The only drinks here are beer, coke, milk, scotch, Fresca, and baby formula. Take your pick. And leave the attitude at the curb.
Later I ran into a fly chica named Amy. Turns out she's one of my many Aunts. She's pretty nice, though. And an AILCOWT. That's short for Aunt I'd Like to Chew On When Teething. Waddup hippy. Gimme some room in that lappy lap.
For those who missed the party, you should be sorry. Because you are sorry. (That's right, sorry has two meanings, couch potato no-vocab-having peons). For those who came, thanks for the gifts. Next year bring more.
And my first act of beneficence in the new Waaka year is to grant clemency to Ralphie for chewing my bottle nipples, to Charlie for eating some pacifiers, to Annie for eating some diapers, and to my parents for all the dumb stuff they make me say on this blog (DAD). You are forgiven. Dirty, you get no respite. I shall continue to torment you, as you are the weakest link in the Waakaworld chain.
HBD to me!! That is all...
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