Move over, Oedipus.

The B is exhausted. So I take le nap on my favorite shoulder, mommie's.
That is all...

It's Dog eat Monkey, Rat eat Rat.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you never back down. I think you'll find my jaws of steel will prevail, Charlie!
That is all...

He's bringing sexy back

Esto es mi padre. He looks better in the dark, ladies.
That is all...

Fret not, monkeys.

I am still recovering from my lengthy trip to our nation's capital with my parents. I have many photos and stories to tell.

I have also recently hit several milestones in my young life that you shouldbe made aware of, so that you can properly bask in my glory.

That is all...

Vive la Waaka

This is Napoleon. He was a great leader and better yet, a great general. As such, I have much to learn from him. Like when to NOT attack Russia (late summer). Or how to successfully be banished (get sent to a tropical locale, and when bored quietly rally the old gang). Someday the world will tremble before a new petite menace. Waakalemagne.

I think his belly itches. Mine does sometimes, too, mon freur.

Now I must take le nap.

That is all...

George Bush = country boy (Aw Naw)

When rollin' through the streets of DC, it's important to keep up one's image and style.

Here I show W how the Waaka does the gangsta lean. Get crunk, dubya! Washington DC in the houuuuuse!
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We The People, of these Waaka States...

This is a very special room in Philadelphia. As you can see, I was granted sole and private access.



Here I am in the room where the Declaration of Independence was signed. And the Constitution was drafted. And where Lee Greenwood once spontaneously combusted from the energy and fire of national pride after having just stepped in the room. It's a very powerful place.

Someday, people will come from miles around to see the places that Waakabee did dramatic things. First steps. First painting. First manifesto. First battle (and victory). First conquered land. First concubine (of many)... The people shall revel in my historic significance. I can hardly friggin' wait.

That is all...

Project Serpentor Thwarted!!

We went to sunny Philadelphia after Uncle Toro's wedding. I had plans for this trip. Until I was rudely stopped!



I was just told by dad that we will not be digging up Ben Franklin's grave. I had hoped to steal some of his DNA, to help me construct my ultimate sidekick/mad scientist crony. DNA samples from the Founding Fathers, mixed with my own (for brilliance) and some of Ralphie's (for agressiveness) and Annie's (for sheer size and wookie-ness) will help me engineer brilliant killing machines and minions. I mean that was the whole point of this friggin' trip, right?

How is the Waakabee supposed to conquer North America by age 4 without his Franklinstein, Wahingdrone, or Jeffersonofthedevil?! [Yes, I came up with nicknames for them. Every good evil person has a handle.] Project Serpentor cannot fail; I'm too close to acheiving my goals!

You are an ass, dad. This insolence will not go unpunished.
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Delaware. Gateway to New Jersey.

So here we are in the lobby of the hotel in Delaware, visiting for Uncle Toro's wedding. Note the concern with which mommy is attending to me. Did you even notice, crazy lady, that my outfit clashes? Take me to the pool. The Waakabee wishes to frolick in the water.
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Waakafest '06

Follow me to...

Waakafest '06! That's right monkeys, it's time to celebrate all things Waaka and revel in my greatness. I know you do this every day, but today is extra special. We're celebrating the best 12 months known to Western civilization since the 12 months it took for people to invent, test, and fully market the churro.

In short, I am one year old, and this is my party.

I had many of my most valuable servants on hand and lots of hangers-on and sycophants, all there to amuse me.

Missing were the Mariachi Band, a donkey, a monk with a staff, a wizard, an orangutan, and a trained, killer chinchilla with laser eyes. Maybe next year, dad, you won't disappoint.

Despite these shortcomings, the party was off the chain. So much so that at one point I was got naked. Who doesn't love a naked B?


We ate cake, we told stories of my feats, we mused on the future of the world, and more specifically the future of Rhode Island. Here's a fun fact: Once I come to power, Rhodey will become one huge super Wal-mart/Ikea. It's on my list of "Things To Do Once I Conquer the World". I mean everyone loves Ikea, and Super Wal-Marts... plus those yankees up there looove a good bargain.

When the cake was served, I was pretty pumped. Until I tasted it. I asked for a Betty Crocker cake. I clearly received a Pilsbury cake. You know that chubby white biscuit in a hat ain't got nothin' on my boo Betty! Next time it's gotta be the Crock or I'm liable to go postal. Don't think about pullin' this Pilsbury crap again. Same goes for Duncan Hines. That British bugger is a d-bag.

Again, despite the disappointment, I decided to cruise around the joint to meet some honeys and talk to my boys.


And I came across this one trick who was all like, "Nice party, Waaka. Shame you have no lemonade, though." Does Waakabee have to smack a b*&^% ? It's Waaka's world. The only drinks here are beer, coke, milk, scotch, Fresca, and baby formula. Take your pick. And leave the attitude at the curb.


Later I ran into a fly chica named Amy. Turns out she's one of my many Aunts. She's pretty nice, though. And an AILCOWT. That's short for Aunt I'd Like to Chew On When Teething. Waddup hippy. Gimme some room in that lappy lap.


For those who missed the party, you should be sorry. Because you are sorry. (That's right, sorry has two meanings, couch potato no-vocab-having peons). For those who came, thanks for the gifts. Next year bring more.

And my first act of beneficence in the new Waaka year is to grant clemency to Ralphie for chewing my bottle nipples, to Charlie for eating some pacifiers, to Annie for eating some diapers, and to my parents for all the dumb stuff they make me say on this blog (DAD). You are forgiven. Dirty, you get no respite. I shall continue to torment you, as you are the weakest link in the Waakaworld chain.


HBD to me!! That is all...

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Who's the crazy lady wearing the chinese kite?

That's my Nanny. Or Nana. Or Nuni. Since I can't quite say more than "dada", "hi kitty", and "maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa", I haven't chosen what to call her.

But she's come to visit with Papa from New Hampshire. They are here for the Waakapalooza set to unfold this weekend.

They are filling their time with chores my dad has set them to. Such a smart cat, my dad. The only way to truly earn your parents' respect is to set them to task. Builds character, makes the yard look nicer, and teaches them the value of hard work. Good Nuni.

I have enjoyed being with them, mainly because they amuse me. Nanny sings and dances a lot, and I think may be a bit different. Papa makes me laugh with his funny faces and the way that he lets Uncle Colin beat up on him. And it amuses me that he loves All My Children more than a grown man should. Uncle Colin amuses me because of his ability to sleep until lunch and then play PS2 the rest of the day, when he's not texting one of his ho's. I must learn this skill of keeping several women in rotation. If you wear different socks each day, why not a different chica?

You see this? Dad's trying to blow bubbles at me. Is that supposed to interest me? Ass.

Back to the Yanquis in my house...I will continue to let them change my soiled britches, feed me, play with me, and pamper me. I always have wanted servents of my own (aside from my 'rents), and these seem to be willing subjects.

Feed me some apple slices, beeches. The B is feeling a bit peckish.

That is all...

I cannot be stopped.

You see this picture?
You may ask yourself, what is so special about this picture, oh Great One?

What do you see?
A couch. Ugly.
A basket. Filled with delightful toys and gifts from my loyal subjects.
Colored squares on the floor. To protect the Waakabee's hands and knees during my mob-ex (mobility exercises).
A framework. The lower half of my elevated eating throne.
A cute baby. Damn straight.
A cute baby holding a sippy cup.
A cute baby holding a sippy cup.
A CUTE BABY HOLDING A SIPPY CUP.

Liquid nutrition! Dispensed at my own pace and in an amount of my choosing!

I am capable of feeding myself! No longer will I rely on my parents or surrogates holding a bottle for me! No more rubber nipples. Except after I turn 18, and then only when the mood strikes and I have enough cash. From now on, I will carry my sippy with me and drink as I see fit. MLB and MRB closed a long time ago, and I had to accept the change to a bottle. Now I cast that anchor aside, and the soy hippy organic leftist liquid fed to me, and can drink god's sweet nectars - apple juice, fruit punch, 7up, grape juice... there is no limit!

The Waakabee is now on the fast track to cutting all ties to his infant life and nutrition shall be dispensed at my will!

The greatest of plans is unfolding and I am more than happy to say, gimme that sippy, bitches.
That is all...

My reach continues to grow...

What's up, simpletons? La vida de la Waaka is going quite well!

The Waakabee continues his amazing feats of growth and development. All should be proud of my accomplishments, but not too proud. I'm not some special case where advancement is to be lauded as amazing and rare. Likewise, too little attention should not be cast upon my development - I'm not some kid genius to whom advancements and acheivments are to be seen as trifles and "expected". BE HAPPY FOR ME, MONKEYS, BUT NEITHER TOO MUCH NOR TOO LITTLE HAPPY!

That said, I am clearly doing quite extraodinary things (but not tooo extraodinary) with these powerful piston legs. I can grasp any surface, any edge, be it a couch, a wagon wheel, a dog's flank, or an adult's pant leg and puuuuullll my tiny torso into the standing position. From this position, I can survey all of my dominion and be that much closer to slapping my mommy in the face without her having to lean over too far.

It shall not be long until these nimble ninja feet get the urge to move in other directions and I will provide my own bipedal locomotion. Beware, usurpers, the Waakabee stands tall in Mabletucky.


That is all...

Mobility is key to victory...

It is now confirmed, monkeys, that I am mobile.

I have completed testing of my personal locomotion apparatus and have begun crawling. I am now fully capable of moving anywhere I so choose, and I am able to move around or through smaller roadblocks and impediments.

In field tests, I have successfully traveled in a straight line. I have been able to perform right-hand and left-hand turns. I am capable of turning 360 degrees and going in reverse. Much like Optimus Prime, I can travel a great distance, and then transform into a killing machine complete with grasping arms and swiveling head in less than two seconds.

For my first field exercise, Operation Baby Thunder, I stalked Charlie across the room and successfully grabbed his tail. In my second exercise, Operation Smokey Bandit, performed in cooperation with Mommy, I was able to move from one room to another while being pursued at high speeds. In my final field exercise, I tested my mobile infant to havoc wreaker back to mobile infant capabilities in the living room, while the enemy (Daddy) was sanding and painting cabinets. I was able to move in, strike, and move out in less than 30 seconds, leaving a trail of sawdust and black interior semigloss paint. Needless to say, Operation Painted Hyena was a huge success.

I am now moving on to continued research in elevated warfare, having mastered raising up on one knee nearly a month ago.

I'm sure that it won't be long until I live up to my namesake and am capable of bi-pedal locomotion. Then all shall rue the day they mocked my previous inability to walk! Especially you, Ralphie! Your time is drawing near.

That is all...

Millions of fishes. All swimming and frolicking for the Waakabee.

Great way to spend $50...

We recently returned to the Aquarium with Uncle Jim and Aunt Jean. It was pretty fun.

I saw lots of (you guessed it...) people and all kinds of pretty (you know it...) light fixtures.

Like this one here. It reminded me of my time in the womb, all red and warm. Minus the squishy sack of goo I used to float in. And the weird cord on my belly.


That is all...

Seek the answer...

In this picture, Mommy is asking me who I hate most.



The answer is YOU, fool!

That is all...

They're peeking at you!

Hey Uncle Jim, check out my sack!




Made you look, fool!

That is all...

Waaka Aquatilis

Today I was taken to a delightful and whimsical place, the local water park. It is a location of endless revelry flooded with both water and human scum.

I must admit at first I was skeptical. All these urchin running around the park, screaming and screeching and acting like idiots! My first thought was, It's water people. Same as your shower, only open to the air and full of other peoples' pee. Let's not get too excited.


Fun Fact: I noticed that many trashy people bring their children here, apparently to bathe. This is some kids' only summer bath. Chew on that next time you are allowing your mouth to fill with water from the Silly Milly Mushroom Fountain!



I allowed my mother to chauffeur me around the big lazy river. Notice the human press all around. It is revolting. Mixing with these peasants?! I should have my own barge, rowed by coolies and servants. I should be eating all the cheerios I want while being fanned and cooled by servants with palm fronds. Where are my trained pet seals, to frolic at my whim? I am the Waaka. I deserve to be praised, not trapped in some musty community life jacket stuck on the front of my mother's tube like a hood ornament.

All my discomfort aside, you know what would make the lazy river more exciting? Lazy river piranha. Lazily eating your flesh, while you lazily bleed to death floating on your inner tube. That's entertainment.



Here I am being placed on top of the output grate for the local water feature. This place offers a lot of strategic value. The Mongols used to poison the water supply of enemy towns to make them submit without a battle... If I was to place a poopy right here, my maliciousness could reach untold hundreds. Focus....focus.....Frack! It cannot be forced. I shall have to return after sampling the hot dog concession.



Here's a cute picture of me learning to stand! Now, is the look on my face joy/excitement at the idea of standing, plus the cold water on my junk, plus the unmitigated fun of the place, or revulsion at the feeling of my dad's cleavage on the back of my head. You decide.



Here I am sitting in the mini-lazy river, allowing the fresh water to run over my tiny chubby body. It is both soothing and cooling at the same time.

Eventually, I let the frivolity and joy wash over me like the cryptosporidium-laced chemically colored water. I (heart) the water park! Just be sure to hose me off when we're done.

That is all...

I'm all out of love...I'm so lost without you...

Here I am practicing my karaoke. My gaki chikara style makes all the bijin swoon. I am a regular kawaii karaoke kami.
That is all...