Waakafest '06

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Waakafest '06! That's right monkeys, it's time to celebrate all things Waaka and revel in my greatness. I know you do this every day, but today is extra special. We're celebrating the best 12 months known to Western civilization since the 12 months it took for people to invent, test, and fully market the churro.

In short, I am one year old, and this is my party.

I had many of my most valuable servants on hand and lots of hangers-on and sycophants, all there to amuse me.

Missing were the Mariachi Band, a donkey, a monk with a staff, a wizard, an orangutan, and a trained, killer chinchilla with laser eyes. Maybe next year, dad, you won't disappoint.

Despite these shortcomings, the party was off the chain. So much so that at one point I was got naked. Who doesn't love a naked B?


We ate cake, we told stories of my feats, we mused on the future of the world, and more specifically the future of Rhode Island. Here's a fun fact: Once I come to power, Rhodey will become one huge super Wal-mart/Ikea. It's on my list of "Things To Do Once I Conquer the World". I mean everyone loves Ikea, and Super Wal-Marts... plus those yankees up there looove a good bargain.

When the cake was served, I was pretty pumped. Until I tasted it. I asked for a Betty Crocker cake. I clearly received a Pilsbury cake. You know that chubby white biscuit in a hat ain't got nothin' on my boo Betty! Next time it's gotta be the Crock or I'm liable to go postal. Don't think about pullin' this Pilsbury crap again. Same goes for Duncan Hines. That British bugger is a d-bag.

Again, despite the disappointment, I decided to cruise around the joint to meet some honeys and talk to my boys.


And I came across this one trick who was all like, "Nice party, Waaka. Shame you have no lemonade, though." Does Waakabee have to smack a b*&^% ? It's Waaka's world. The only drinks here are beer, coke, milk, scotch, Fresca, and baby formula. Take your pick. And leave the attitude at the curb.


Later I ran into a fly chica named Amy. Turns out she's one of my many Aunts. She's pretty nice, though. And an AILCOWT. That's short for Aunt I'd Like to Chew On When Teething. Waddup hippy. Gimme some room in that lappy lap.


For those who missed the party, you should be sorry. Because you are sorry. (That's right, sorry has two meanings, couch potato no-vocab-having peons). For those who came, thanks for the gifts. Next year bring more.

And my first act of beneficence in the new Waaka year is to grant clemency to Ralphie for chewing my bottle nipples, to Charlie for eating some pacifiers, to Annie for eating some diapers, and to my parents for all the dumb stuff they make me say on this blog (DAD). You are forgiven. Dirty, you get no respite. I shall continue to torment you, as you are the weakest link in the Waakaworld chain.


HBD to me!! That is all...

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Who's the crazy lady wearing the chinese kite?

That's my Nanny. Or Nana. Or Nuni. Since I can't quite say more than "dada", "hi kitty", and "maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa", I haven't chosen what to call her.

But she's come to visit with Papa from New Hampshire. They are here for the Waakapalooza set to unfold this weekend.

They are filling their time with chores my dad has set them to. Such a smart cat, my dad. The only way to truly earn your parents' respect is to set them to task. Builds character, makes the yard look nicer, and teaches them the value of hard work. Good Nuni.

I have enjoyed being with them, mainly because they amuse me. Nanny sings and dances a lot, and I think may be a bit different. Papa makes me laugh with his funny faces and the way that he lets Uncle Colin beat up on him. And it amuses me that he loves All My Children more than a grown man should. Uncle Colin amuses me because of his ability to sleep until lunch and then play PS2 the rest of the day, when he's not texting one of his ho's. I must learn this skill of keeping several women in rotation. If you wear different socks each day, why not a different chica?

You see this? Dad's trying to blow bubbles at me. Is that supposed to interest me? Ass.

Back to the Yanquis in my house...I will continue to let them change my soiled britches, feed me, play with me, and pamper me. I always have wanted servents of my own (aside from my 'rents), and these seem to be willing subjects.

Feed me some apple slices, beeches. The B is feeling a bit peckish.

That is all...

I cannot be stopped.

You see this picture?
You may ask yourself, what is so special about this picture, oh Great One?

What do you see?
A couch. Ugly.
A basket. Filled with delightful toys and gifts from my loyal subjects.
Colored squares on the floor. To protect the Waakabee's hands and knees during my mob-ex (mobility exercises).
A framework. The lower half of my elevated eating throne.
A cute baby. Damn straight.
A cute baby holding a sippy cup.
A cute baby holding a sippy cup.
A CUTE BABY HOLDING A SIPPY CUP.

Liquid nutrition! Dispensed at my own pace and in an amount of my choosing!

I am capable of feeding myself! No longer will I rely on my parents or surrogates holding a bottle for me! No more rubber nipples. Except after I turn 18, and then only when the mood strikes and I have enough cash. From now on, I will carry my sippy with me and drink as I see fit. MLB and MRB closed a long time ago, and I had to accept the change to a bottle. Now I cast that anchor aside, and the soy hippy organic leftist liquid fed to me, and can drink god's sweet nectars - apple juice, fruit punch, 7up, grape juice... there is no limit!

The Waakabee is now on the fast track to cutting all ties to his infant life and nutrition shall be dispensed at my will!

The greatest of plans is unfolding and I am more than happy to say, gimme that sippy, bitches.
That is all...

My reach continues to grow...

What's up, simpletons? La vida de la Waaka is going quite well!

The Waakabee continues his amazing feats of growth and development. All should be proud of my accomplishments, but not too proud. I'm not some special case where advancement is to be lauded as amazing and rare. Likewise, too little attention should not be cast upon my development - I'm not some kid genius to whom advancements and acheivments are to be seen as trifles and "expected". BE HAPPY FOR ME, MONKEYS, BUT NEITHER TOO MUCH NOR TOO LITTLE HAPPY!

That said, I am clearly doing quite extraodinary things (but not tooo extraodinary) with these powerful piston legs. I can grasp any surface, any edge, be it a couch, a wagon wheel, a dog's flank, or an adult's pant leg and puuuuullll my tiny torso into the standing position. From this position, I can survey all of my dominion and be that much closer to slapping my mommy in the face without her having to lean over too far.

It shall not be long until these nimble ninja feet get the urge to move in other directions and I will provide my own bipedal locomotion. Beware, usurpers, the Waakabee stands tall in Mabletucky.


That is all...

Mobility is key to victory...

It is now confirmed, monkeys, that I am mobile.

I have completed testing of my personal locomotion apparatus and have begun crawling. I am now fully capable of moving anywhere I so choose, and I am able to move around or through smaller roadblocks and impediments.

In field tests, I have successfully traveled in a straight line. I have been able to perform right-hand and left-hand turns. I am capable of turning 360 degrees and going in reverse. Much like Optimus Prime, I can travel a great distance, and then transform into a killing machine complete with grasping arms and swiveling head in less than two seconds.

For my first field exercise, Operation Baby Thunder, I stalked Charlie across the room and successfully grabbed his tail. In my second exercise, Operation Smokey Bandit, performed in cooperation with Mommy, I was able to move from one room to another while being pursued at high speeds. In my final field exercise, I tested my mobile infant to havoc wreaker back to mobile infant capabilities in the living room, while the enemy (Daddy) was sanding and painting cabinets. I was able to move in, strike, and move out in less than 30 seconds, leaving a trail of sawdust and black interior semigloss paint. Needless to say, Operation Painted Hyena was a huge success.

I am now moving on to continued research in elevated warfare, having mastered raising up on one knee nearly a month ago.

I'm sure that it won't be long until I live up to my namesake and am capable of bi-pedal locomotion. Then all shall rue the day they mocked my previous inability to walk! Especially you, Ralphie! Your time is drawing near.

That is all...

Millions of fishes. All swimming and frolicking for the Waakabee.

Great way to spend $50...

We recently returned to the Aquarium with Uncle Jim and Aunt Jean. It was pretty fun.

I saw lots of (you guessed it...) people and all kinds of pretty (you know it...) light fixtures.

Like this one here. It reminded me of my time in the womb, all red and warm. Minus the squishy sack of goo I used to float in. And the weird cord on my belly.


That is all...

Seek the answer...

In this picture, Mommy is asking me who I hate most.



The answer is YOU, fool!

That is all...

They're peeking at you!

Hey Uncle Jim, check out my sack!




Made you look, fool!

That is all...

Waaka Aquatilis

Today I was taken to a delightful and whimsical place, the local water park. It is a location of endless revelry flooded with both water and human scum.

I must admit at first I was skeptical. All these urchin running around the park, screaming and screeching and acting like idiots! My first thought was, It's water people. Same as your shower, only open to the air and full of other peoples' pee. Let's not get too excited.


Fun Fact: I noticed that many trashy people bring their children here, apparently to bathe. This is some kids' only summer bath. Chew on that next time you are allowing your mouth to fill with water from the Silly Milly Mushroom Fountain!



I allowed my mother to chauffeur me around the big lazy river. Notice the human press all around. It is revolting. Mixing with these peasants?! I should have my own barge, rowed by coolies and servants. I should be eating all the cheerios I want while being fanned and cooled by servants with palm fronds. Where are my trained pet seals, to frolic at my whim? I am the Waaka. I deserve to be praised, not trapped in some musty community life jacket stuck on the front of my mother's tube like a hood ornament.

All my discomfort aside, you know what would make the lazy river more exciting? Lazy river piranha. Lazily eating your flesh, while you lazily bleed to death floating on your inner tube. That's entertainment.



Here I am being placed on top of the output grate for the local water feature. This place offers a lot of strategic value. The Mongols used to poison the water supply of enemy towns to make them submit without a battle... If I was to place a poopy right here, my maliciousness could reach untold hundreds. Focus....focus.....Frack! It cannot be forced. I shall have to return after sampling the hot dog concession.



Here's a cute picture of me learning to stand! Now, is the look on my face joy/excitement at the idea of standing, plus the cold water on my junk, plus the unmitigated fun of the place, or revulsion at the feeling of my dad's cleavage on the back of my head. You decide.



Here I am sitting in the mini-lazy river, allowing the fresh water to run over my tiny chubby body. It is both soothing and cooling at the same time.

Eventually, I let the frivolity and joy wash over me like the cryptosporidium-laced chemically colored water. I (heart) the water park! Just be sure to hose me off when we're done.

That is all...

I'm all out of love...I'm so lost without you...

Here I am practicing my karaoke. My gaki chikara style makes all the bijin swoon. I am a regular kawaii karaoke kami.
That is all...

Here I am, eating some nutricious goop. It makes me stronger. Soon I will be beefcake.
That is all...

Crunchy stars are tasty stars.
That is all...

Happy 4th!

Why does the Waaka look like a minature version of an Irishman after taking his daily ablutions?

Because it's hot, monkeys.
Jungle hot.

But that's the South in July for you. What can you expect? It's not like you can expect Brittany Spears to stop being white trash, just cause she's wealthy. Neither will the South stop being balls-ass hot just because you want it to be so.

We spent the day at Uncle Toro's house with some extended friends and new subjects. All were impressed with me. It seems for some my reputation paled in comparison to the real deal. Love the B, monkeys.

Among the guests of honor were Aunt Debby and Uncle Colin. Aunt Debby was more than happy to serve as my personal armchair and handler.

In this picture I have pointed out how crazy large my father's head is. Very amusing indeed.

The great thing about Debby is that she was easily distracted, and thus was forced to share her tasty food.

Mmmmmmm....chips.
That is all...

Fireworks and barbeque

My parents invited people over to admire me and lavish me with attention. And to eat tasty burgers from the grill.

Aunts/Uncles Jenn, Josh, Shonda, Toro, and Kate came over for some World Cup action, some food, some beer, and general frivolity. Of course I used this time to my advantage and allowed them to be awash in my presence. It's good to let the peasants see the Lord every once in a while. Keeps them focused on the golden rule: Do whatever the Waaka wishes.

Here, Uncle Toro is admiring my t-shirt, which clearly outlines my ambitions. I am very impressed with his, as well. I am told he received it on a trip in which he searched for Space Monkeys at Cape Canaveral. I always suspected they were there.

Here Aunt Kate is holding me and generally helping me look good. Mostly by being, shall we say, hot. Looks aside, she is very smart, and is a scientist. A genuine white lab coat, split nuclei, fold proteins, develop tiberium energy, clone chimps, make energon type of scientist.

I will be recruiting her for my evil schemes. For now I must lay down the groundwork. While all at the party are wrapped up in watching Beckham and talking about Grey's Anatomy, I perform a mind meld with Kate. Love the Waaka. Serve the Waaka.




That is all...