Today I...

...practiced my three-point stance. I'll be ready for those Dawgs, when the time comes. And that, technically, is like eighteen years away. But, I'll be ready.

I also practiced my game face. This is me looking mean. Or, basically, how I look at my subjects every day. Rule by intimidation.

Then I practiced my skillz on a moving target, to simulate my d-end attack. I chose my toy Hummer truck. It's tough looking, but ultimately all flash and bravado, much like those UGA backs. Hence, it was the perfect choice.

I got down in my stance...

And then I jumped offsides and ate some pavement. Stoopid slopey driveway.

Dad said to "rub some dirt on it kid, and get back in the game."

What an ass. I just faceplanted on concrete.

So I say, "Dad, I'm this close to kicking you in the jimmy, you lump. Stop taking parenting lessons from Brittany Spears. I'm going inside to have some teddy grahams. "

That is all...

Almost enough for a Coke pencil!

Sometimes, I like to dance. Sometimes I like to play Coke Rewards. Sometimes I like to be naked.


Sometimes, I like to do them all at once.

I just scored ten points! Happy dance... Doin' the happy dance. Being happy. Being free.


That is all...

Cake and Balloons are soooo last August.

We recently celebrated Gaberdoody's first birthday. Got yourself a cake and a little party? Well I did it first, so I win.


Here Gia is showing off her fancy boa and handbag. If I was Gabe, I'd lay the smack down. I'd say, "It's my party, sis. Reckognize." Then I'd drop an atomic elbow on her and steal the boa for myself. Dudes can wear boas, especially if they're electric purple. I believe I saw Prince do this. So it must be ok.


Here Gabey has done something truly worth celebrating. He made a huge fracking mess. He basically took a nice little personal cake and performed some "Tiger Style" Gabe-jitsu on it, causing it to explode. All the while Aunt Dana and Grandma look on in shock and reverence. He truly has amazed them with his "cake crusher" finishing moves.

Bravo, Gabo.


That is all...

Check out my whip

You know I ride in style. And at times, I like to ride shirtless, like a young Dylan McKay. I feel the soft sea breezes in my hair, and long to talk to Brenda...

How's Paris? Yeah, Brandon and I are keeping busy... Speaking of getting busy, did you know I banged your hot albino friend Kelly? It was totally worth it.


That is all...

These are not the Droids you are looking for

Halloween has come upon us rapidly, and I have chosen this time to use my powers in the Force. I will bend weak minds to my will and make them give me candy. For FREE. You must always play to your strenghths and hide your weaknesses. I will guard my weakness for candy by displaying my strength in bending people to my will.

You: "Oh, he's so cute! He's a little yoda!"
Me: "That's right, monkey. You adore my cuteness. Now gimme some candy."

Cha-ching, people.



In this photo, I am being led by one of my servants around the parking lot of my school. All around the circumference of the lot are my loyal subjects, clapping and cheering for me. Other children in costume march behind me, clearly mimicking my actions, but I know all the people are here for the B. The Waakabee has arrived, monkeys. You may show your pleasure.



Here I am focusing my power on my hat, trying to make it adjust itself. My hands are full of candy (unpictured), so I must use the Force alone. Do, or do not. My ear is cold.


Later in the day, we went to another part of town to join in a costume parade. We met up with the rest of my crew. My cousins, Aunts, and Uncles met us there and we proceeded to take the 'hood by storm.



Here a local resident falls prey to my cuteness and charm.

I feel that costumes are not chosen randomly. Each speaks to the wearer. I dressed like Yoda to show that I, like the little green Master, am small yet powerful. My skills may be overlooked because of my diminuitive stature, but make no mistake I have great strength. The only thing I lack is that cool pimp cane that Yoda had.



Hank the Tank dresses as a Teddy Graham, because he is tasty and delicious. He also makes Uncle Brad cart him around. A bold show of strength, Hank. Make your dad do the work. I like your gumption. Sophie (background) dresses as a Barbie princess because she has a commanding presence and likes to be doted upon. She also likes plastic dudes with big hard pec muscles and no genitalia. Much like mommy. Aunt 'manda serves as her lady-in-waiting.



Gaberdoody dresses as a parrot/dragon, because he is a colorful character, yet like me has inner strength. He also likes to sit on a giant pile of treasure and eat crackers.




That is all...

OZ - The Baby Years

Life in clan Waakabee is all about ebb and flow. It's about position and pecking order. When one of my lieutenants disgraces the clan, they disgrace me. And sometimes lessons must be taught.

Perfect example: We were out at Cagle farms, checking out the Corn Maize (sic). The 'rents are distracted as they try to line us up for roll call. As such, from left to right are my minions: Gaberdoody, Hank the Tank, Gia, and Slophie all lined up for a photo. I used this opportunity to command HTT to get some playhouse retribution on Gia! As you can see, he's made a shiv out of cornstalk, and is in mid stab. Great action shot. Really catches the family dynamic.

Consider this a lesson, Gia. I mean business.

But then my next most-trusted bruiser, Gaberdoo, decides to use the confusion to strike back at me, showing his solidarity with Gia! As you can see, I blocked his feeble jab with my "paint the fence" move. You got off easy, sucka. Next time, I'm gonna sweep the leg.




That is all...

Keeping an eye out for Jeepers Creepers bat-demon dude

Here we are, cruising in the Corn Maize (sic). It was fun. And more than a little corny.

It's called a pun. Laugh, monkeys!

Next time, I'm bringing some torches and we'll chase people around the field, pretending we're Children of the Corn. I'll be Malachi. You can be the weirdo leader kid. He was lame, anyway.

My Father's College Days, Reprised

We recently went to Amy's [future]* house to have a dinner party and watch Battlestar Galactica. It was fracktastic.

The cuisine was excellent - a fine Mexican meal the likes of which my father craves. The beverages were even better.

I began the night merely sipping on tasty cold beverages. But as you can see, I degenerated faster than Lindsay Lohan at a cocktail bar.

Kneel to me monkeys! Stop laughing and KNEEL!

I got a sugar rush from the soda I was given, and soon, I found myself running around, acting the fool. My pants were soaked. My shirt was drenched. I was crazy happy one minute, then sad the next.

Look at me, I'm crazy cup head! Now gimme some candy!

This is a picture of Amy judging me.

I was later told that my actions were precisely those of my father on any given weekend between 1995 and 2000.

Woops! Damn floor is tricky.

Here is a picture of Kate, also judging me.

BSG is awesome. That's a given. And mexican buffet kicks ass. But above and beyond that, the B rocks the party.

Wooo wooooo!!!

*Amy will soon marry Brian, and then she can officially take over his house as her own.

That is all...

The force is with me

That is all...

Ass

Yeah, you know it.
That is all...

The B, in Ever Sharper Detail

Check out Dad's new camera! You can see my individual cells' nuclei with his new 380.3 MP camera. Too bad a $700 camera doesn't make you less of a tool, pops.
That is all...

Move over, Oedipus.

The B is exhausted. So I take le nap on my favorite shoulder, mommie's.
That is all...

It's Dog eat Monkey, Rat eat Rat.

If there's one thing I've learned, it's that you never back down. I think you'll find my jaws of steel will prevail, Charlie!
That is all...

He's bringing sexy back

Esto es mi padre. He looks better in the dark, ladies.
That is all...

Fret not, monkeys.

I am still recovering from my lengthy trip to our nation's capital with my parents. I have many photos and stories to tell.

I have also recently hit several milestones in my young life that you shouldbe made aware of, so that you can properly bask in my glory.

That is all...

Vive la Waaka

This is Napoleon. He was a great leader and better yet, a great general. As such, I have much to learn from him. Like when to NOT attack Russia (late summer). Or how to successfully be banished (get sent to a tropical locale, and when bored quietly rally the old gang). Someday the world will tremble before a new petite menace. Waakalemagne.

I think his belly itches. Mine does sometimes, too, mon freur.

Now I must take le nap.

That is all...

George Bush = country boy (Aw Naw)

When rollin' through the streets of DC, it's important to keep up one's image and style.

Here I show W how the Waaka does the gangsta lean. Get crunk, dubya! Washington DC in the houuuuuse!
That is all...

We The People, of these Waaka States...

This is a very special room in Philadelphia. As you can see, I was granted sole and private access.



Here I am in the room where the Declaration of Independence was signed. And the Constitution was drafted. And where Lee Greenwood once spontaneously combusted from the energy and fire of national pride after having just stepped in the room. It's a very powerful place.

Someday, people will come from miles around to see the places that Waakabee did dramatic things. First steps. First painting. First manifesto. First battle (and victory). First conquered land. First concubine (of many)... The people shall revel in my historic significance. I can hardly friggin' wait.

That is all...

Project Serpentor Thwarted!!

We went to sunny Philadelphia after Uncle Toro's wedding. I had plans for this trip. Until I was rudely stopped!



I was just told by dad that we will not be digging up Ben Franklin's grave. I had hoped to steal some of his DNA, to help me construct my ultimate sidekick/mad scientist crony. DNA samples from the Founding Fathers, mixed with my own (for brilliance) and some of Ralphie's (for agressiveness) and Annie's (for sheer size and wookie-ness) will help me engineer brilliant killing machines and minions. I mean that was the whole point of this friggin' trip, right?

How is the Waakabee supposed to conquer North America by age 4 without his Franklinstein, Wahingdrone, or Jeffersonofthedevil?! [Yes, I came up with nicknames for them. Every good evil person has a handle.] Project Serpentor cannot fail; I'm too close to acheiving my goals!

You are an ass, dad. This insolence will not go unpunished.
That is all...

Delaware. Gateway to New Jersey.

So here we are in the lobby of the hotel in Delaware, visiting for Uncle Toro's wedding. Note the concern with which mommy is attending to me. Did you even notice, crazy lady, that my outfit clashes? Take me to the pool. The Waakabee wishes to frolick in the water.
That is all...

Waakafest '06

Follow me to...

Waakafest '06! That's right monkeys, it's time to celebrate all things Waaka and revel in my greatness. I know you do this every day, but today is extra special. We're celebrating the best 12 months known to Western civilization since the 12 months it took for people to invent, test, and fully market the churro.

In short, I am one year old, and this is my party.

I had many of my most valuable servants on hand and lots of hangers-on and sycophants, all there to amuse me.

Missing were the Mariachi Band, a donkey, a monk with a staff, a wizard, an orangutan, and a trained, killer chinchilla with laser eyes. Maybe next year, dad, you won't disappoint.

Despite these shortcomings, the party was off the chain. So much so that at one point I was got naked. Who doesn't love a naked B?


We ate cake, we told stories of my feats, we mused on the future of the world, and more specifically the future of Rhode Island. Here's a fun fact: Once I come to power, Rhodey will become one huge super Wal-mart/Ikea. It's on my list of "Things To Do Once I Conquer the World". I mean everyone loves Ikea, and Super Wal-Marts... plus those yankees up there looove a good bargain.

When the cake was served, I was pretty pumped. Until I tasted it. I asked for a Betty Crocker cake. I clearly received a Pilsbury cake. You know that chubby white biscuit in a hat ain't got nothin' on my boo Betty! Next time it's gotta be the Crock or I'm liable to go postal. Don't think about pullin' this Pilsbury crap again. Same goes for Duncan Hines. That British bugger is a d-bag.

Again, despite the disappointment, I decided to cruise around the joint to meet some honeys and talk to my boys.


And I came across this one trick who was all like, "Nice party, Waaka. Shame you have no lemonade, though." Does Waakabee have to smack a b*&^% ? It's Waaka's world. The only drinks here are beer, coke, milk, scotch, Fresca, and baby formula. Take your pick. And leave the attitude at the curb.


Later I ran into a fly chica named Amy. Turns out she's one of my many Aunts. She's pretty nice, though. And an AILCOWT. That's short for Aunt I'd Like to Chew On When Teething. Waddup hippy. Gimme some room in that lappy lap.


For those who missed the party, you should be sorry. Because you are sorry. (That's right, sorry has two meanings, couch potato no-vocab-having peons). For those who came, thanks for the gifts. Next year bring more.

And my first act of beneficence in the new Waaka year is to grant clemency to Ralphie for chewing my bottle nipples, to Charlie for eating some pacifiers, to Annie for eating some diapers, and to my parents for all the dumb stuff they make me say on this blog (DAD). You are forgiven. Dirty, you get no respite. I shall continue to torment you, as you are the weakest link in the Waakaworld chain.


HBD to me!! That is all...

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Who's the crazy lady wearing the chinese kite?

That's my Nanny. Or Nana. Or Nuni. Since I can't quite say more than "dada", "hi kitty", and "maaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa", I haven't chosen what to call her.

But she's come to visit with Papa from New Hampshire. They are here for the Waakapalooza set to unfold this weekend.

They are filling their time with chores my dad has set them to. Such a smart cat, my dad. The only way to truly earn your parents' respect is to set them to task. Builds character, makes the yard look nicer, and teaches them the value of hard work. Good Nuni.

I have enjoyed being with them, mainly because they amuse me. Nanny sings and dances a lot, and I think may be a bit different. Papa makes me laugh with his funny faces and the way that he lets Uncle Colin beat up on him. And it amuses me that he loves All My Children more than a grown man should. Uncle Colin amuses me because of his ability to sleep until lunch and then play PS2 the rest of the day, when he's not texting one of his ho's. I must learn this skill of keeping several women in rotation. If you wear different socks each day, why not a different chica?

You see this? Dad's trying to blow bubbles at me. Is that supposed to interest me? Ass.

Back to the Yanquis in my house...I will continue to let them change my soiled britches, feed me, play with me, and pamper me. I always have wanted servents of my own (aside from my 'rents), and these seem to be willing subjects.

Feed me some apple slices, beeches. The B is feeling a bit peckish.

That is all...